Two men broke into a newsagents in Runcorn and made off with the entire stock of Kendall Mint Cake. Chinese takeaways in the Bexhill area are being terrorized by a 'squadron' of Welsh midgets. Said midgets have been smearing faeces across the laminated menus and golden cat statues. A gang wearing Les Dennis masks poured fourteen cans of Vimto into Bicester's open-air lido. A Taunton man was almost driven to suicide after returning from holiday and finding 237 VHS copies of Carry On Cleo had been posted through his letterbox. An eighteen-foot portrait of Rutger Hauer has been spray painted onto the side of Spennymoor's branch of Ponden Homes. More news to follow.
A man described as 'bulbous' is being sought by Police after allegedly placing his testicles into the mouths of six sleeping tramps.
