Chairpersons Report

Hello Gasheads

I am extremely concerned with the way this season is going and I feel for the manager though he remains out of touch. Only a few weeks ago I thought I saw the green shoots of recovery but it turned out to be mildew. Now another crisis is brewing because other people are starting to take the Michael Smiths and as 51% shareholder this is something only I am entitled to do. Therefore I have decided to ban all messageboards, ban all contact with the media and ban Don Therun from attending future matches. Furthermore I have issued a decree commanding the waters of the River Frome to part in order to provide better access to our promised land and comply with the section 106 agreement.

After two unlucky defeats against Rochdale and Port Vale we bounced back to a stunning moral victory over Bradford City at the rain soaked Memorial Stadium on Saturday and the funny thing is hundreds of you believe it. We were pleased to welcome a number of old players who came to honour Geoff Bradford and boost the crowd. As I explained to a group of impressionable youngsters, bussed in from Fenn Street Secondary Modern, the old timers were from an era when the game was played at a completely different pace and they would have trouble today coping with incredibly slow defenders like Garry Kenneth or Guy Branston.

As the gloom deepens I am meeting with the manager every day although he is not aware of this and thinks we speak on the phone once or twice a week. Whichever is correct I can assure you that everyone is working their socks off and this may explain why some people are getting cold feet. There is money available to strengthen our squad, which the manager was completely satisfied with only two months ago, and he knows I am right behind him because it was in the Evening Post.

A number of fans have expressed surprise that in recent interviews I have lost my effervescent radiance and am not quite looking myself. This is another sign of the damaging rumours spread by neo archaic libertarian rebels who are sowing seeds in the mind of gullible Gasheads to make them believe my body has been taken over by aliens and that I am deliberately leading the club to armageddon. In actual fact the slightly disheveled appearance has been caused by a temporary closure of my beauticians premises due to some irritating planning issues. I expect these will be resolved by mid January when, as a special treat for share scheme members, I have negotiated a 5% discount with the Travis Perkins Day Spa so you too can look like me.

When you have 60% of your budget on the treatment table there is very little room for Marlene Blagshaw. I tried to explain that this was a reason not an excuse but she wasn’t having it and neither was Tom Parkes who was extremely frustrated with his bulging sprain. It is at times like this that we need to pull together so I have promised Marlene a night out at Chasers before the end of the month.


All supporters who can prove they were at Wycombe Wanderers when the match was abandoned and are able to produce documentation in triplicate verified by a notary public to substantiate their claim are entitled to free travel for the return match on Saturday. This will be offered on a first come first served basis and the mini bus will leave the Mem at 5am to miss the traffic. I know it is a difficult time to be a Bristol Rovers supporter at the moment and I implore you not to tell me where to stick it.

Finally, the Supporters Club beach towel competition was won with a particularly saucy photo submitted by Mr B Smith of Worcester. It was taken at my spaghetti farm on the shores of Lake Como and features Mr Smith impersonating a football club director. The judges were overwhelmed by the postbag but despite this had little difficulty in choosing Mr Smith’s entry as there weren’t any others. The winner was so thrilled with his prize that he is thinking of throwing it in.

Yours Faithful and True

Nicky

 

Dear Nicky - at last - for once you have come clean and told us the thruth (I think!!). DId it hurt no! Many thanks - Tommy Titsup!
P.S. - Hope you like the towel!

 

Fenn Street Secondary Modern have been advertising for a school councillor since yesterday.

It's all become crystal clear now.

 

'Therefore I have decided to ban all messageboards,'


...on a similar theme, dealing with the messageboard problem.....

'The Ten Commandments.

As we continue the trek towards the Promised Land of League 1 it is obvious that there is unrest
within our midst. Our leader BoSeS has come down from the Higgside with the these rules for
us to abide by:

1. There is only one Truth
...all opinions are falsehoods
2. You shall follow no false leader
... especially if their name is Kevin
3. You shall not use naughty language
...especially against the fat bloke, match officials or ex-City players
4. You shall respect the matchday
...if you didn't go don't post
5. Respect your Manager and your Chairman
...they know best...who are we to criticise?
6. You must not kill team spirit
...criticism can do no good
7. You must not fall out of love with your club
...no matter how much she rejects you
8. You must not take....the p**s
...no matter how funny it might seem
9. You must not repeat falsehoods
...especially Twitter or from the bloke down at Longwell Green Asda.
10.You must not covet the achievements of other clubs
...particularly those with lower budgets, smaller fan bases, or just up from the Conference.

Let us continue our trek united and in good heart! '