Hello Gasheads First of all may I thank those thousands of supporters who have contacted the club to congratulate me on moving so quickly. But to be honest when you have had what Iâve had there really isnât much choice. Last Friday I was struck down by the Noroversvirus with itâs headaches, vomiting and terrible hallucinatory symptoms which trick you into believing a football club could disappear down a black hole never to return. I was rushed to Frenchay but they soon realized a patch of grass wasnât going to help so they took me to hospital where I ended up in the emergency Ward. Though in intense pain I kept abreast on Saturdayâs events at Bootham Crescent and the other one entertaining the man in the bed next door. When the half time score came through I immediately discharged myself but the nurses soon cleaned it up and I was back home by 4.30pm. In situations like this one needs to be decisive so I plucked up courage and called Mr Dunsford. His advice was to sell the shares back to him for a pound and retire to Italy but I wasnât born yesterday so I told him Iâd want at least a grand which is when he said he had to rush off to an urgent lodge meeting. With the minutes ticking by and McHee on Radio Bristol telling everyone he was going to bring in a completely new team in January and that the Chairperson was right up his backside I knew I had to act. The trouble was I had only ever been a chorus girl at the Hippodrome and couldnât string two words together to save my life. McHee was apparently in the dugout when my call reached his cell phone so jokingly I said âare you trying to dig yourself out of a hole sirâ. There followed a foul mouthed torrent of abuse which is when I realized I was speaking to Garry Kenneth. McHee came on the line and I explained that I should have liked to have met him face to face but his is such a big one it was much safer doing it from a distance. He understood that I was in a difficult position and said he had been planning to play me in goal with Marlene at centre half but that was all in the past now and so long as I kept sending the cheques to Brighton he wouldnât lay a finger on me. There were a few tears when his track suit bottoms got caught in the bench as he jumped up and hit the roof after I told him not to speak to the media. But fortunately the quick reacting Kenneth managed to turn on a sixpence and hand McHee a bottle of Johnny Walker so the last I heard was a chorus of âAy dinna belong ty Gas glee â before the phone went dead. There now followed what was probably the most challenging 15 hours since I had reluctantly accepted the position as Chairperson back in 2008. My cocktail cabinet was empty, my car was being repaired so I couldnât nip out to Bargain Booze, and all I was left with was a half empty bottle of lemon & lime Domestos under the sink. On Sunday morning at 9am sharp I felt a sudden vibrating sensation down below. This came as a surprise because my husband was away at a conference in Birmingham and the odd job man had gone to Hinton Blewett for the weekend visiting relatives. I quickly remembered I had turned the ring tone off on my smart phone and groping in the bed linen I found the device, living up to itâs name, had nestled itself snuggly between my thighs as I slept. Fumbling for the key pad I heard the distinctive voice of John Wart say âIs that you Nickers ?â, âIâll want 20% more after that tonking you got yesterdayâ. Nonsense I said, my husband is at a conference in Birmingham and the odd job man is in Hinton Blewett. âNo No Noâ he said, Rovers losing 4-1 at York means you need me more than ever darlin so youâll have to pay 20% above what we agreed when we met at the Travel Lodge last week. I think all Gasheads are well aware by now that I donât like getting caught with my pants down so a Plan B is absolutely essential and an out of the way Travel Lodge is extremely private as well as being cheap. It was true that Wart and I had agreed a deal for him to come in and replace McHee but I wasnât going to be outwitted just because one result had gone against us so I immediately responded with â30% more and thatâs my final offerâ. There is a common fallacy within the football community that I am an easy ride and that high wages, long contracts and hasty pay offâs are par for the course at BRFC which is of course completely true. But behind the scenes there is far more going on than meets the eye and those of you with a penchant for detail will understand what a coup we have pulled off. You see John Wart had already booked and paid for a rail ticket to Plymouth so, by telling him to get off the train at Temple Meads rather than continuing with his journey, we have saved all the massive costs normally entailed in bringing in a new manager. On Monday morning I couldnât face the prospect of an early press conference, with Geoff Twentyman tweaking my bra strap and Richard Hoskinsâ eyes fixated on my Italian patent leather 5 ½â inch high heels, so we put it back to 4pm when they would still be recovering from lunch. After my commanding introduction to proceedings John Wart spoke to the assembled media which included the BBC, ITV, Sky, Daltons Weekly and The Watchtower. He impressed everyone with his up to date knowledge of our club and especially his expectation of an 8000+ crowd for the match on Saturday. Just because you are getting on a bit and in your last managerial job achieved one victory in the 22 games prior to being sacked doesnât mean you are on a downward slope and out of touch with reality as our recent experience with McGone shows. We enter this new era with a new manager, a new philosophy and a new course of medication. At last our team is led by someone who knows the club inside out and is aware of our low morals yet still wanted the job because we are infinitely nearer to his home than Plymouth. So my seasonal message to you is one of Infinity. Infinity between the board and the fans. Infinity between the manager and the fans. Infinity between the players and the fans. And affinity between Sainsburys and my financial advisers in the Cayman Islands. Please join with me as I take you on this journey from here to Infinity. Merry Christmas Nicky
