Carragher to become voice artist

I know these Daily Mash Threads tend to bomb but what the hell.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/carragher-to-become-voice-artist-2013020859103

JAMIE Carragher will retire at the end of this season to become Britain’s most sought-after vocal performer.

Chanel, Jaguar and Armani have offered six-figure sums to have the meandering Liverpool defender lend his high-frequency tones to their ad campaigns, while animation giant Pixar has asked him to play a slow-witted octopus in Finding Nemo 2.

Agent Tom Logan said: “The publisher of 50 Shades Of Grey also want him to do the audio book. You’ve not experienced true erotica until you’ve heard the word ‘dildo’ in a Bootle accent.

Liverpool defeat all part of plan, says Rodgers

Speaking from behind his steepled fingers and sat next to an enormous globe, the Liverpool manager confirmed that all the pieces on the chessboard inside his brain are moving into place.

Rodgers said: “Every shanked pass, every dropped cross, they’re all cogs in a plan far too complex to explain in your clumsy earth tongue

“Progression to the fourth round would have shattered my exquisitely delicate scheme like Sebastian Coates jumping onto an egg made of spun sugar. Wheels within wheels, my friend. Wheels within wheels.”

Since Rodgers’ appointment players have been banned from any references to ‘playing football’ and instead must describe it as ‘The Process’.

‘The Process’ goes beyond standard training and tactics to include counting blades of grass and learning how to install geothermal heating systems.

The players were also instructed to travel to Sierra Leone and hand over a secret package to ‘The Turk’.

Rodgers added: “The eagle cannot consider the fears of the rabbit.”

 

Funniest movie scene ever would be Jamie Carragher and Kristen Stewart in a passionate sex scene.

 

Sympathy post

 

2 peplies in 78 views, might be a record?

 

Luv, you know better than anyone else I don't like to read more than 2 lines of text. I'm almost as lazy as Devinho.

 

I thought that line was well funny. Just me?

 

Even I read this one

 

I thought it was a joke on that bloke who does the impressions of Carra and Stevie. The Rodgers bit is obviously not a joke at all. Steepled fingers - arf. And I bet the globe is a wireframe right off of his PowerPoint background.

 

You have issues......................................................................

 

You missed the best bit luv:

"People are tired of Rob Brydon’s measured, friendly timbre and they want somebody who sounds like a fax machine having an argument in a tuba full of phlegm."

 

Stereotype