New season arriving and time to enjoy the up and coming months whilst looking down our noses underneath our shoes at you know who. I've done this a few times and on looking back I was quite amazed (I don't know why because it is me after all) to find every single one has been correct. Here are this years: Canary Dave and JWM break up and get back together again a total of 15 times Lafferty will never play for us again JWM finally wins a debate on Not606 when a pet monkey is pitted against him in an experiment. With the chimp writing rubbish and the monkey only interested in his banana, JWM scrapes through with a victory. 606 will have less posters come the end of the season than at the start Ipswich Town are relegated with 0 points. Norwich win the Champions League A midfielder will be our top scorer Johnson will score less than 4 Howson will score more than 10 Somebody takes the time to substitute the word “honest” with “talentless” in Mick McCarthys post match interviews to find it means exactly the same both ways Watford will have at least 4 managers this season Ipswich will be bulldozed down and rebuilt (much nicer) and called Norwich B. The football team will disappear as nobody is interested in them anymore. Norwich win the European Championships beating England 4-1 in the final The World fast forwards everything Ian Wright says on Match of the Day. My TV commits suicide when I fail with above and have to explain to my missus why it’s hanging from the light fittings with its cable round its neck Alan Shearer doesn’t say anything interesting Pat Nevin does Ruddy will not be No1 at end of season Sky Sports interview fans from Norwich market because (of course) it’s where we all live Matt Le Tissier says plenty of derogatory things about Norwich, all the rest will just be patronising Alex Neil will be a big media hit Norwich will beat 3 of the top 6 Tony Pullis will finally be sacked and join Sam Allardyce to join the Norwegian youth development soccer project Everyone will moan about how money has ruined the game, I will moan about people moaning about how money has ruined the game Mick McCarthy is sued for killing the entire Portman Road crowd with neck ache. Only one ambulance is required. Robbie Brady will play the most games JWM states that he’s always had a soft spot for Liverpool (his wifes family are from there don’tcha know). This will happen 3 times a week (5 leading up to actually playing Liverpool). Portman Road is turned into a new B&Q Plans to extend Carrow Road are given the go-ahead Tettey and Mulumbu will receive rave reviews nationally in partnership with each other and become the sole talking point on MOTD every time we are analysed Etymologists find Mick McCarthy speaks no known language, Suffolk listeners are found to grunt nodding in agreement with him regardless Huckerby will remain almost as incoherent as McCarthy Delia will “Cook up a recipe for Premiership success” in a Red Top paper, (I wonder if a culinary pun has ever been made about the other wretched 15 years ?) RVW will not start a single league game Ipswich goalie Bialkowski is found to have ripened bananas for fingers and dried spaghetti for wrists. Whilst the rest of the players complain of headaches, Bialkowski goes against the grain and spends 6 months out with a repetitive strain back problem after the first 3 games. Norwich become the first team to win 12 tournaments in a single season Robbie Brady will be Player of the Season Ipswich Town are given the “worst thing in World football” award, Marcus Evans tries to blackmail Sepp Blatter to give it to the English FA but is rebuked saying not even the Russians have enough money to change his mind Watford, Bournemouth and Leicester get relegated Ipswich are demoted to the Conference because their football is so bad, this is despite complaints from Aldershot et al for lowering the tone 4 midfielders will be sold or on loan by the end of the season The Scousers steal Carrow Road, the pitch is found the Sunday after their visit mounted on 4 bricks in each corner JWM’s wakes up (with a hangover)and wonders why a thousand yellow and green seats are on his lawn and a Russell Allison Lounge sign is above his (well used) bar. Yarmouth is declared a ghost Town on Man United’s visit to Carrow Road. A decision to bomb is just about averted because holiday season is over and there are not enough Northerners with bulldog tattoo’s looking like mouldy pizza visiting to make it worthwhile Mick McCarthy is found to be literally half donkey and half chimp when his body mask falls of whilst pointing up in the air to one of his creative midfielders. His new nickname is Domp (it is initially Chinkey but the Chinese complain) Delia Smith admits most of her decisions are based on her Catholicism and guidance from God The Pope excommunicates her saying, “noli esse stultus ne cruentis” Ipswich folk cheer with jubilation as it officially declared a “****hole” by the Prime Minister, this is great news as it is promoted from “Cesspit of used condoms and rancid sanitary towels” Northerners and Londoners talking about football (with their oh so loveable accents) on radio phones ins are voted the most irritating thing ever. Canary callers (not much better) will have a ratio of 12:1 of the brain dead to reasonable callers. 50% of Canary callers will open with the words “Wahrt I watta narw is” Bassong and Martin will not be the first choice pairing at the end of the season
"Noli esse stultus ne cruentis" I'll have to remember that one. I'm surprised you were so generous to those at the wrong end of the A140.
I need help with "ne cruentis"... Do not be a fool? I count 52 predictions. One for every week of the year. I reckon 47 of them are genuine.
Midgets use stilts to buy grotmags? Truly a season to look forward too (maybe not for RvW and the binned! ) Bah!
Superb stuff mate, love it Just had a look online to see what kind of odds you can get on all that happening - slightly disappointed to discover the best I could find was only 9/2 with Victor Chandler Might be worth a cheeky fiver I suppose
