Burning question of the day

If Lady Gaga claims she was born this way does that mean that Mama Gaga has a *ahem* like a bucket?

These are the thoughts that kept me out of the good schools...

 

If you've got something that's burning, my advice is to go get it checked out by a doctor.
I thought the song was a reference to her having man and lady parts personally.
Does anyone else think it's a rip off of a Madonna song, "Express Yourself"?
(Not the NWA song, although that is a much better one)
Having said this any musician who truly thinks their music is original is wrong, but I digress.

 

A bucket with a hole in it maybe! A very large bucket with a very large hole. Something like a JCB.

 

Lady Gaga's next release

There's a hole in my bucket.

 

shes a man.

 

The 10 inch cock usually gives it away...

 

My next door neighbour's just come round after an operation following a horrific car crash with some good news and some bad news.
Unfortunately they had to amputate his feet, the good news is the bloke in the next bed gave £10 for his slippers.

 

Wow, what a bargain!

 

A priest kept chickens at his village parish and one evening the cockerel went missing.
At Mass the priest asked - "who has a cock ?"
All the men got up.
"No - I meant who has seen a cock ?"
All the women stood up.
"No no, who has seen a cock that is'nt theirs ?"
Half the women got up.
"Oh for goodness sake" said the priest. "Who has seen my cock ?"
All the choir boys got up !

 

We don't wish to know that!

 

What do you get if you cross a tortoise with a vibrator?

An armadildo.

 

Man walks into WH Smith & says "do you have that new self-help book for men with really small dicks ?"
Girl says "I dont think its in yet"
Man says - "yep, thats the one !"

 

Man walks into WHSmith & says "Do you have a self-help section?"
The lady replies "If I tell you then surely that defeats the purpose?"

 

Bloke goes into the doctors to get the results of some tests and the doctor says " I think you'd better take a seat and here's a sweet, hot cup of tea for you. I'm afraid you've only got 2 weeks "

The fella relies " What?...I came to see you the other day with nothing more than a runny nose, watery eyes and ear ache, you then give me some medical bullshit about needing to take some extensive tests because you felt their were some underlying problems. I then come back in high spirits, feeling so much better and you tell me I've only got 2 weeks left on this earth, call yourself a doctor, I want a second opinion"

The doctor says " You want a second opinion?..OK, I also think your a twat.

 

Also on a medical theme....

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

Good but I still think this one is the best.

Note stuck to the fridge door

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I
shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

"Doctor can you help me"?
"Yes of course, what's the problem"
"Well actually, it's not me it's my brother. He thinks he's an orange"
"Oh, I think that's unlikely, where is he then"
"In my pocket"

 

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and
said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

 

Another oldie but a good laugh for anybody that hasn't already seen it:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

 

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted *****lian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, *****lian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,

'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'