Boredom Buster (Funny football quotes)

Funny Football quotes

Right, I know I'm adding to the pointless articles on here but anyway here goes.
Enjoy. Love from Toondes


(STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live) "Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."

(RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1) "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach. . ."

(ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1) "The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."

(CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard) "I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(RON AKTINSON in a TV interview) "Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke. . ."

(Carling FA Premiership WWW Page) "An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."

(DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports) "Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."

(PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live) "What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."

(BRUCE RIOCH, ITV) "And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than at any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."

(JOHN MOTSON, BBC) "I never make predictions, and I never will."
(PAUL GASCOIGNE) "And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."

(JIMMY HILL) "....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."

(BRIAN MOORE) "If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."

(TERRY VENABLES) "The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."

(MIKE INGHAM) "I think that was a moment of cool panic there."

(RON ATKINSON) "Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."

(RON ATKINSON) "Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."

(JOHN GREIG) "It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."

(DEREK RAE) "Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."

(MIKE INGHAM) "He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."

(BOBBY ROBSON) "The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."

(JOHN MOTSON) "Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."

(TREVOR BROOKING) "You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
(DAVE BASSETT) "Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."

(TOM FERRIE) "A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."

(JOHN HOLLINS) "And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley. . . unless somebody knocks us out."

(DAVE BASSETT) "It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."

(ALAN GREEN) "Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."

(KEVIN KEEGAN) "What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."

(JIMMY HILL) "Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."

(RICHARD PARK) "That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."

(TREVOR BROOKING) "...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."

(SPORTS ROUNDUP) "In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."

(JOHN LYALL) "In comparison, there's no comparison."

(RON GREENWOOD) "I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."

(RON ATKINSON) "Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."

(MALCOLM McDONALD) "Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."

(BRIAN MOORE) "Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."

(JOHN GREIG) "Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."

(TERRY VENABLES) "I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."

(RON ATKINSON) "And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."

(IAN DARK) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

(DAVID ACFIELD) "What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"

(GERRY FRANCIS) "If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant"

(BRYAN ROBSON) "If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."

(MICK LYONS) "He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."

(DEREK JOHNSTONE) "The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did."

(BARRY DAVIES) "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"

(STUART PEARCE) "They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."

(KEVIN KEEGAN) "Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson."

(RON GREENWOOD) "There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs."

(DENIS LAW) "The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club and were discovered by the same man."

(NORMAN WHITESIDE) "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

(RON ATKINSON) "I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona."

(KEVIN KEEGAN) "The minute's silence was immaculate, I have never heard a minute's silence like that."

(GLENN HODDLE) Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."

 

thanks for them, soooooooooo bored

 

Can't believe there are no Ian Holloway ones there.

 

There you go.

"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee"


I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark.


If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy.


Why haven't they got cameras? The officials can speak to each other easily enough now. Why aren't we using laptops that are linked up and can give a decision in five seconds? A chimpanzee could do it - with not much training. We might as well go back to being cavemen, grab our girl by the hair, drag her into the cave whether she wants to come in or not because we may as well live in that age. We've come forward, haven't we?


In the first-half we were like the Dog and Duck, in the second-half we were like Real Madrid. We can't go on like that. At full-time I was at them like an irritated Jack Russell.


I'd rather do that than build chicken sheds no-one wanted!
On Blackpool making the Championship play-off final in 2010 having spent a year out of football making hen houses.


“In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right. One little bit of ingredient that Tony uses in his cake gets talked about all the time is Rory’s throw. Call that cinnamon and he’s got a cinnamon flavoured cake. It’s not fair and it’s not right and it’s only a small part of what he does."

 

I <3 Holloway.

 

Holloway is a legend and will be missed by EPL

 

Some of them are class, I particularly liked 'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat' and Holloway is always a crease, I prefer his press conferences to ours. Rep for doing this.

 

Not forgetting:

I think the rule about the players taking their shirts off is rubbish. Thats why all the young ladies come to see football matches, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course, they'd have to go and see another team play, my lads are as ugly as sin.

EDIT: Rep for the original thread.

 

Those holloway quotes are great . I always get a smile out of Keegan's 'theres only one tap' analogy too.

 

Not forgetting THE all time classic:
REPORTER TO SHOLA: And what does SIr Bobby call you?
SHOLA: Carl Cort

 

Cheers for that... Very funny!

 

Alan Brazil: Some players need a kick up the arse, other players need the arm.

Sir Bobby: I'd have given my right arm to be a pianist.

Steve Bruce: They've kicked our backsides today, we'll have to go away and lick our wounds.

 

That one always brings a smile. Never heard the Bruce one before but it's brilliant!

 

That's easy for Brucey to say.

 

Some more - From players this time


Funny Player Quotes

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' - Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
- Ian Rush

Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'

'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.' - Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
- Mitchell Thomas

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham

'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'
- Graeme Le Saux

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
- Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
- Johnny Giles

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka

'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall

'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
- Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George Ndah had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
- Ian Wright

'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu

'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce

'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
- David Beckham

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
- Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
- Gary Lineker

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones

 

lol again. Rep again.

 

My favourite three. That's classic Ian Wright.

 

Couldn't really just pick 3 out, all rep worthy.

 

I'm on fire now haha. Next up it's commentators

Funny Commentators Quotes

'He's 31 this year: last year he was 30.' - David Coleman

'The ageless Dennis Wise, now in his thirties.' - Martin Tyler

'The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.' David Coleman

'Peru score their third, and It's 3-1 to Scotland.' David Coleman

'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.' - David Coleman

'Ian Rush is deadly 10 times out of 10, but that wasn't one of them.' - Peter Jones

'Neil Sullivan has stopped absolutely everything have thrown at him...Wimbledon 1, Manchester United 1.' - Mike Ingham

'Emile Zola has scored again for Chelsea.' - Radio 5 live

'This will be their 19th consecutive game without a win unless they can get an equaliser.' - Alan Green

'Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin.'
- Mike Ingham

'Such a positive move by Uruguay - bringing 2 players off and putting 2 players on.' - John Helm

'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.'
- Radio 5 live

'The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.' - Mike Ingham

'Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value for their nil.' - Barry Davies

'West Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past anyone yet - that's his trademark.' - John Helm

'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.' - Alan Green

'It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.' - Derek Rae

'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.'
- John Greig

'And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0.' - Ian Darke

'The USA are a goal down, and if they don't get a goal they'll lose.'
- John Helm

'I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of that final I stand by that prediction.' - Archie MacPherson

'McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee.' - Martin Tyler

'It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.'
- Alan Green

'Lukic saved with his foot, which is all part of the goalkeeper's arm.'
- Barry Davies

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' - David Acfield

'Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of zebras.' - Peter Jones

'Forest have now lost six matches without winning.' - David Coleman