Thank you. We have a wheelchair and mobility scooter but she's not independent. Best wishes to you and yours mate.
Off Topic Being a Carer
- Thread starter SAFCDRUM
- Start date
-
Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
-
Thank you. We have a wheelchair and mobility scooter but she's not independent. Best wishes to you and yours mate.
I'm not just talking about physical support but emotional as well.
And imo, it's much braver to ask for help than to fight on singlehandedly ...
... don't grit your teeth until your jaw breaks mate.
Thank you for the advices. Feel better from reading the responses. When things are running smoothly everything is absolutely fine but when does that happen with 3 kids. Just takes something to go a bit tits up and then things start quickly unravelling. Even the kids having a stupid pointless argument at the wrong time can set things off.
I had a feeling a few would have been/are going through similar. It helps.
We recently (12 months ago) lost my wifes Mam to ovarian cancer. It was sudden however she was bed ridden at the end, fortunately at home however this meant my wife was there 24 hours a day caring for her.
Since her Mams death her dads gone downhill. Not in so much as bodily, more mentally. So much so that he's just forgetting things so my wifes caring for him, only a few hours a day but it's every day as she's am only child.
Recently she's been speaking to a councillor and has been told that she has to find time for herself and ask others to help. One of the things that we, particularly as males, struggle to do is ask for help. Why? Who the **** knows.
It can even be the simple things like asking the kids to do dishes, tidy their room etc. I'm not sure how old your kids are but can they try making a meal as that may actually be a bit of fun for them and you.
Most importantly is talk to your mates. There's every chance they have no idea how difficult you're finding it and if they're good mates they'll find a way to help. My wifes friends once they found out just how difficult she was finding things turned up the next day with about 15 meals to put in the freezer. My sister in law organised a cleaner to come through the house and her Mams house to lessen the load. In my experience it will only get better if you allow others to help mate
P.S. We're always here too if you just need to vent
Since her Mams death her dads gone downhill. Not in so much as bodily, more mentally. So much so that he's just forgetting things so my wifes caring for him, only a few hours a day but it's every day as she's am only child.
Recently she's been speaking to a councillor and has been told that she has to find time for herself and ask others to help. One of the things that we, particularly as males, struggle to do is ask for help. Why? Who the **** knows.
It can even be the simple things like asking the kids to do dishes, tidy their room etc. I'm not sure how old your kids are but can they try making a meal as that may actually be a bit of fun for them and you.
Most importantly is talk to your mates. There's every chance they have no idea how difficult you're finding it and if they're good mates they'll find a way to help. My wifes friends once they found out just how difficult she was finding things turned up the next day with about 15 meals to put in the freezer. My sister in law organised a cleaner to come through the house and her Mams house to lessen the load. In my experience it will only get better if you allow others to help mate
P.S. We're always here too if you just need to vent
I can kind of relate to what you're going through mate, but not to the level you have.
It can be hard, and sometimes as you say, the daftest little molehill can build up into a mountain.
Been loads of brilliant replies already, and I would just like to echo a couple of them.
I know it won't help your circumstances, but talking about it can be a massive help. I know I've sounded off about things on here a few times, and the replies I've had have been a great help to me....just somebody listening...getting things off your chest. I find it easier to say things on here (as you say, it's anonymous), and I've always taken comfort, and find it very humbling, that a bunch of strangers on an internet footy forum, can be so caring.
Hopefully by posting on here it's helped get a few things off your chest, and reading the replies, you're not alone in how you feel.
Just keep talking when you need to, there will always be someone listening.
Who cares for the carer!
I recall a friend of mines wife, had been a nurse, but retired to look after their two young kids. Then her mum got sick and came to live with them.
I didn't actually see Ann for about 6 months... when I did I was shocked...she was always bouncy, lively busy sort of a women, nicely plump and always nicely turned out.
I guess Jason hadn't noticed but she was, thinner, white, haggard, looked exhausted and unkempt.
I didn't mince words, I told him that Ann needed a couple of weeks break and he had to get her Mum to her sisters. Ann had to go to the GP for a check-up, they said she needed lots of sleep and rest.
I think neither if them had noticed what was happening cos it happened gradually and it took an outsider to set off the alarm.
I recall a friend of mines wife, had been a nurse, but retired to look after their two young kids. Then her mum got sick and came to live with them.
I didn't actually see Ann for about 6 months... when I did I was shocked...she was always bouncy, lively busy sort of a women, nicely plump and always nicely turned out.
I guess Jason hadn't noticed but she was, thinner, white, haggard, looked exhausted and unkempt.
I didn't mince words, I told him that Ann needed a couple of weeks break and he had to get her Mum to her sisters. Ann had to go to the GP for a check-up, they said she needed lots of sleep and rest.
I think neither if them had noticed what was happening cos it happened gradually and it took an outsider to set off the alarm.
We're all carers (those that you refer to) 'cos we all care
Drum just want to let you know you are in my thoughts you during these challenging times. Don't beat yourself up too much because clearly your doing your best. I couldn't imagine how I would cope in similar circumstances that you are going through. Your human so not all the time you will get things right and it's only normal that negative thoughts will cross your mind. Your a hero in my book mate.....god bless...LA
stupid part of it is the 'carers allowance', which in our case gets reduced 50% as i am on benefits...pitiful amount to give people that have had to give up work to care for a relative, in our case it would work out at 30k+ to put her bro into full time care so we are saving them one hell of an amount of money yet every step we do try to make goes through so much red tape and so much scrutiny it beggars belief.
Mate this is probably the most important post I have ever read on here. I have spent a couple of days thinking about responding, and would never normally, because I am a 'bloke' and we just bottle **** up. You are as brave as they come for this post, far braver than I will ever be.
I am a selfish bugger in life. My wife is a cancer survivor and I did my best over 18 months. My Dad is twice a survivor. Yesterday I learned he had it for 3rd time. I have, in some, ways been carer for all occurences. But I am a **** carer. Tonight I am on the malt, because I find it **** to have to go again with my Dad. I drink because I am weak. A year ago I moved him out of Sunderland, near to me, so I could look after him. Now I am frustrated I need to go through a 4th case of a loved one as a cancer patient. So I drink, because I am hopeless. They deserve better from me, but that is all I have.
This little place is solace to me. I love and and disagree with posters at times, but mostly I love people here. Football and our bloody club give me real hope, and this place is escape. We are all there for you marra. Like I say, wish I was as brave as you posting what you do. Your family seem lucky to have you.
Only word of advice is maybe this thread is a place to seek help going forward. Maybe, just maybe, we can moan and vent here, as well as encourage and support. We all have plenty in common I think.
Chin up mate, you are doing a hell of a job. Xx
You write a post like that, yet think you're weak?
I think yours is a brave post mate, as is many others on here.
I think there's a reason for that....it's because the posters on here are decent, honest people. I don't know anyone from on here personally, and I've never met anyone from on here. But I would bet, in fact i know, that if I needed anything, there would be offers of help or advice, from complete strangers on an internet footy forum.
What's stood out for me with this thread, is how many posters have, or are, going through similar to the OP. Without the thread, some of what's been said, may not have been said....and that's worse.
When my daughter was in crisis a few years ago, one of the things, or "phrases" I learned, and understood was "its OK to not be ok".
And it's true....it is ok.
Sounds a hard road mate.
Just try and keep going, and if you can reach out to anyone to talk, do it. It will feel massively better. You love her and try and remember that, though as I've never been tested like this, that is easy for me to say.
God Bless mate. Keep on keeping on.
My wife was diagnosed with Dementia about five years ago.
Initialy it was no problem at all, but as her condition has worsened, it's getting to be hard work,'
I get help from the Family, of course, but they have young familie, and jobs, and lives to live.
So I appreciate their efforts.
In one respect I had some training for this.
Befor re-marrying, I was a one parent family, with a young daughter to care for.
So I have had previously done the 'cooking, cleaning laundry and ironing' routine, so in that respect nothing came as a shock.
As for the rest, it's been a case of learning as I've gone along.
But one of the things that has helped to keep me sane, more or less, is that I have managed to keep my 'Friday Night Out', with old friends.
It's a real lifeline.
It has stopped me losing contact with old friends and the real world.
Initialy it was no problem at all, but as her condition has worsened, it's getting to be hard work,'
I get help from the Family, of course, but they have young familie, and jobs, and lives to live.
So I appreciate their efforts.
In one respect I had some training for this.
Befor re-marrying, I was a one parent family, with a young daughter to care for.
So I have had previously done the 'cooking, cleaning laundry and ironing' routine, so in that respect nothing came as a shock.
As for the rest, it's been a case of learning as I've gone along.
But one of the things that has helped to keep me sane, more or less, is that I have managed to keep my 'Friday Night Out', with old friends.
It's a real lifeline.
It has stopped me losing contact with old friends and the real world.
You've opened up more than me my friend and bloody well done for doing so. It's a daft place this isn't it. We support the same club and that initially is all we have in common. However you scratch the surface and there is much more in common. Keep strong mate. You can do it again. I don't see drink as a weakness either. Maybe a bit of escapism but not a weakness.
I think what Downeys Loop said. Get the respite if possible initially. A 1 or 2 week break should hopefully give you the chance to have a pint, recharge your batteries and then get the support you need.
Hope you get sorted Drum.
Hope you get sorted Drum.