hi all! I like this site i like REP POWERS and i like the bars showing how cool you is, or not! I will try learn bout you over coming weeks but if anyone could let me know who to watch out for on here, and who is hot bird or whatever would be grateful!
In return i will provide match reviews and stuff! Here is match report on saints vs everton from earlier in season so you can see quality of football commentary you can expect!
SOUTHAMPTON vs. EVERTON
21st January 2013
Match report from St. Mary's by our correspondant, Brian Earsy
I don't know how you arrange ur daily poo. I usually drop mine off at work bout 9:30am after I've had my coffee.
What i do first is check the bowl for residual floaters cos i dont like to pile poo on poo and if necessary I apply a pre-emptive hygenic flush. Then i lay down a blanket layer of tissue paper to avoid splash backs. Then i sit down and fire up Tiger Woods Golf on my iphones. I find that my bumhole can handle the evacuations without intense concentrations on my part, and in any case it's better to be slightly distracted cos otherwise you risk overstraining which is main cause of death in adult males under 30.
I usually splash down within bout 60 seconds of sitting down, but it would be a beginners error to consider this job done. When i was more young i used to immediately proceed to wiping stage and then be surprised by a late coming turd. One doesn't want to have to double wipe cos that risks chaffing and tissue blood.
I wait it out. I can usually get a couple of holes done in this time, depending on par. At least a par 3 and a par 4, but probably not two par 5.
When i am certain that we have done I proceed to wiping. I used to stand up first and have a little look at what I've done but i don't do that no more cos one time a slop of turd fell out my bum and ruined my work trousers. I grab a wad of tissue and apply the wipe. Then I have a look at it to see what we're up against. On a good day it will be virtual spotless, perhaps a light smear. On a bad day there will be a thick slick of dark chocolate. What I do is wipe, look, discard + repeat until the tissue is coming back completely white. If I've done more than 5 wads I do a halftime flush to avoid blockages in cistern.
I'd say the whole process from start to finish is between 5 and 15 minutes.
69 minutes and 50 seconds into the match Jason Puncheon left the field of play and scurried in a crab like fashion towards the changing rooms. He emerged 159 seconds later appearing noticeably leaner and more confident.
Here is picture of Jason Puncheon leaving field:
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Here is picture of Jason Puncheon returning to field:
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As we have established, 159 seconds seems a very unstatisfactory time period to conclude a well formed dump. Especially cos you have to take into account time period required to get to St. Mary's Toilets while running on hard floors in football boots. Here is diagram of internal layouts of St. Mary's stadium:
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I think we can budget 20 seconds each way, give or take crocodiles, which leaves puncheon 119 seconds to complete his full evacuations process. This is less than 2 minutes! It is clear that Puncheon must have skimped on some of the essential processes. Possibly he did not play Tiger Woods Golf. Certainly he would have skimped on applying a full wipe protocol, which would explain when back on field he was less tightly marked by Leighton Baines.
A lot of people have been casting aspersions bout Jason Puncheon not wiping his arse and he endeavoured to cut short these rumours by demonstrating his technique in the next game:
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Here he is performing a classic right hand wipe in a crouch position. I primarily use this position in Motorway services or on other toilets with possible hygiene issues where one does not wish to fully sit down, and where there is a paper shortage to prevent laying down a protective sheet.
Note also that Puncheon wipes with bare hand. We learn from this, that if obliged to shake Puncheon's hand you is best off going for his left.
There was also football match. It was draw.
