Bad joke thread .... Volume 1

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Minxy

Minxy

Just Me
Feb 3, 2011
19,319
3,772
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Peterborough
Idea shamelessly nicked from the Canaries

Joke also nicked but adapted for the Wall




A man goes to the doctor's and says to him, "There's something wrong with my arse".

The doc say's "What are the symptoms?"

So the man says, "My arse keeps singing, Im forever blowing bubbles".

The doctor replies, "Don't worry, that's perfectly normal, all arseholes sing that"




I'll get my coat .....................
 
Poshminx said:
Idea shamelessly nicked from the Canaries

Joke also nicked but adapted for the Wall



A man goes to the doctor's and says to him, "There's something wrong with my arse".

The doc say's "What are the symptoms?"

So the man says, "My arse keeps singing, Im forever blowing bubbles".

The doctor replies, "Don't worry, that's perfectly normal, all arseholes sing that"




I'll get my coat .....................
Click to expand...

<laugh>

No it's ok you can stay as the other barmaid has gone tom dick <grr><laugh>
 
I had a bit of a shock today ....

The old bil knocked on my door and I thought wtf...

anyway they showed me a picture and said

"Is this your wife"

"yes it is" I said

the piceman then replied,

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident"

"yes I know ..... but she has a lovely personality"

<laugh>
 
Wife:
Football, football, football! That's all you ever think about!

If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house' work,

I think I'd drop dead from the shock!'



Husband:

It's no good trying to bribe me, dear.'
 
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, **** Etc."
 
The husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight."

The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum ****in second for a change?"
 
My grandson came home from school the other day and said

"I've got a part in the school play. I play a man whose been married for 25 years"

So I said to him "Never mind perhaps you'll get a speaking part next year"
 
A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St Peter greets him and says, "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Everton at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Cop end."

"Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"



"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago.
 
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ar$e-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'







She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'
 
Paddy and Sheamus are looking through the littlewoods cataloge, staring at eh models in their undies etc..
Paddy says to Shaemus

"These mail order women are quite cheap"

"Sure are " says Sheamus .."Why don't we order a couple"

"OK" says Paddy

Two weeks later Sheamus says to Paddy

"Those women are taking a long time to arrive"

"Don't worry" said Paddy "They'll be here soon"

"How do you know" said Sheamus

"Their clothes arrived the other day!" Said Paddy
 


A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a WHU fan.

She asks her pupils to raise their hands if they are WHU fans too.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a WHU fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Hammers fan, then who do you support?"

"I am a Millwall fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Wall fan?"

"Because my mum is a Wall fan, and my dad is a Wall fan, so I'm a Wall fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Wallie.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"






"Then," Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Hammers fan."
 
One for the mathematicians:

Once upon a time there were three Indian squaws.

One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy and the one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
 
Three guys decide to meet together for a round of golf on Christmas morning but can't decide what to do to keep the old ladies happy about it. They meet at the first on Dec 25. One says, "I bought my wife a huge diamond ring, she can't take her eyes off it and I sneaked out, it cost me a quid I can tell you ". Another said, "My wife is knee deep in brochcures for the cruising holiday I promised her, and I sneaked out a lot poorer but at least I'm here." The third said "I can't beleive you went to so much expense, all I did was slapped her on the butt, said 'hey babe, its Christmas morning, intercourse or golf course' and she said 'don't forget your coat'. Simple as.........
 
brisbane-lion said:
Three guys decide to meet together for a round of golf on Christmas morning but can't decide what to do to keep the old ladies happy about it. They meet at the first on Dec 25. One says, "I bought my wife a huge diamond ring, she can't take her eyes off it and I sneaked out, it cost me a quid I can tell you ". Another said, "My wife is knee deep in brochcures for the cruising holiday I promised her, and I sneaked out a lot poorer but at least I'm here." The third said "I can't beleive you went to so much expense, all I did was slapped her on the butt, said 'hey babe, its Christmas morning, intercourse or golf course' and she said 'don't forget your coat'. Simple as.........
Click to expand...

<laugh>.
 
Women wins 10,000 pounds and decides to have face and boob surgery,5 weeks later her bruising goes down so she decides to splash out on her new look and buys a dress,while at the counter she's ask the women "how old do you think I am" she replies 35, with this the women is delighted," I'm 47 she's replies ,she decides next to get something to eat so she pops into mac Donald's where there is a big que ,she finally gets to the counter and asks the guy at the counter how old she is," 29 he replies, and not a day over, the women is delighted and says she's 47.
She decides to catch the bus home ,so while she waits at the bus stop an old man is standing next to her so she asks him how old he thinks she is, the old man replies "we'll I'm 85 and have bad eyesight but if you let me shove my hand up your skirt I will tell you exactly how old you are?. The women looks rather shocked but as know one is around she lets him, arfter 10 mins of him fondling her he says I've got it your 47 , the women is amazed and says you can tell my real age by putting your hand up my skirt ? He replies , well not exactly ,but I was behind you in the que in mac Donald's <laugh>
 
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