Back to normality

Back to normality

I’m a big fan of international football – but I do object to an international break when the leaves on the trees are still green.

And after the debacle that was served up at Wembley on Tuesday night – from the home team at least – this weekend can’t come soon enough.

The two-week hiatus began promisingly enough as a new-look England swept aside a Bulgaria outfit that had about as much go in them as their aged Uncle from Wimbledon Common.

Former slaphead Wayne Rooney was the toast of the tabloids with his two-goal salvo earning headlines like ‘National Hairo’ and ‘Thatch Of The Day’.

But against Wales, the chrome dome years resurfaced, with Rooney decidedly off-colour as the vibrant opposition could count themselves unlucky not to get three points, never mind one.

Cardiff striker Rob Earnshaw had a night to forget after missing a chance Harry Redknapp’s wife would have put away, with predecessor John Hartson giving this verdict in his role as ITV pundit:

“He doesn’t need me to tell him what he’s done wrong. If there’s any criticism of him, he was slightly leaning back when he strikes it. If he just gets over it and makes sure he makes decent contact and gets it on target… but he’ll know himself – there’s no need for me to speak about that.”

Just to clarify, that’s John Hartson not speaking about Rob Earnshaw’s howler and definitely not telling him where he went wrong.

Earnie’s team-mates Aaron Ramsey and Gareth Bale, however, were different class. I think the slightly unsavoury modern parlance is that they tore England a new one.

“The man with the best delivery since Postman Pat would sell more than enough shirts to cover his wages.”

All of which took me back to a QPR messageboard thread a couple of seasons back, when it was mooted Bale might have a loan spell at Loftus Road after coming back from a long injury lay-off.

Incredibly the view of many was “No thanks. Don’t need him. Where’s he going to fit into the team?”

And the nay-sayers were at it again this week as rumours of David Beckham moving to Rangers in January gathered pace.

Yes, he’s 36 and his best years are behind him but he’d still surely walk (slowly) into a Rangers side whose prime objective is to avoid relegation this season?

The man with the best delivery since Postman Pat would sell more than enough shirts to cover his wages and I’d be the first in the queue to snap one up (although I’d pretend it was for my mum).

If nothing else, it would be interesting to see how Beckham got on with Joey Barton.

The self-styled Bard of football found himself, like the rest of us who follow teams in the top two tiers and haven’t received an international call-up, kicking his heels at the weekend.

In a series of tweets he announced he was “Like a gypsy, wandering around ye olde London town” before “Going to see Vin Van Gogh in National Gallery – as you do…should I not find a Nando’s or be playing Fifa?”

Coincidentally, me and my little one were in the area at the time and when I told her of our superstar signing’s arty intentions, she begged me to take her there, while having no idea what and how big the National Gallery was.

Just when I was fighting a losing battle attempting to explain how we’d have more chance of spotting a needle in the proverbial, the sound of a familiar vehicle came to my rescue.

You might be a footballing superstar, Joey, but when it comes to a 99 with strawberry sauce I’m afraid you’ll always come a poor second.

Fans on mesaageboards around the country were also left twiddling their thumbs, while their fingers found themselves typing any old nonsense to stave off the boredom.

There were discussions on favourite sweets, dogs’ names and even the existence of God, although on Chelsea forum The Shed End they were trying to keep things reasonably on-topic.


The £50m substitute?
Predictably they had plenty to say on Fernando Torres, still yet to double his Chelsea goals tally by scoring this season.

While many pointed out that it was hard to leave a £50m player on the bench and he was bound to come good, others were not so forgiving.

‘MClovin83’ said: “What Torres would do for Shevchenko’s goals/game ratio right now” (that’s gotta hurt) while ‘BlueSkies’ chipped in with: “We bought him to be a 20-goal a season striker, and going by his form so far, that’s going to take 400 games.”

‘Hillsy’ had another theory, saying: “It’s like he isn’t there – the players don’t want to pass to him.”

To which ‘Just’ replied: “Why won’t the players pass to him? Is it because he smells? Is it because they don’t like his floppy hair and Aliceband?”

Or maybe because they know Rob Earnshaw has more chance of finding the back of the net.

Over on Fulham’s Cottage Corner forum, they were doing their best to conform to the Hugh Grant stereotype as ‘Ostrich Watch’ inquired: “Has anybody been blackberry picking yet this autumn? Believe me chaps, there’s some epic fruit out there right now.”

‘Mrs Merton’ replied: “No, but I picked a bucketful of beautiful damsons from a neighbour’s garden two weeks ago (she was on holiday).”

Undeterred, ‘Ostrich’ added: “Just made an awesome blackberry and apple pie made solely with West Sussex ingredients while listening to Fairport Convention.”

And ‘Berserker’ pitched in with: “I grow blackberries in my back garden, they are called Oregon Thornless and are not too rampant. I generally eat them as they are, or you can make blackberry ice cream, blackberry jam, or use them in a summer fruits pavlova”.

Thanks for that…

Mercifully the thread was stopped in its tracks by a brilliant put-down after one user moaned: “Our tomatoes have failed, not enough warm sunshine at the critical time.”

“Did you ever consider that maybe you just bored them to death?” came the instant reply.

From one thorny issue to another as Brentford fans, fresh from the fine 1-0 win at Walsall, were faced with a dilemma ahead of this weekend’s trip to Wycombe, following a post from ‘Barmaid Alex’ on the Griffin Park Grapevine forum that had them all of a dither.

She told them they’d all be made very welcome at the away fans’ pub, “with plenty of lagers, pool, good sandwiches and satellite TV. Oh, and exotic dancers from 12.30 (£1 in the pot if you watch)”.

‘mheadbee’ said: “I am picking my son up from the Empire cinema at 1.30 on Saturday and then going to the ground. Don’t think I can take a seven-year-old to that pub really.”

To which ‘Les Beeavinu’ replied: “I agree – he’ll be far too small to see the strippers unless you got there much earlier.”

The discussion ended when someone asked how many Bees were actually going to Wycombe, prompting the following estimate from ‘maddogging’: “About 1,000 to the pub and 800 to the game.”

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Someone who likes international football? I thought they were an endangered species. Two weeks of total boredom partially rescued by the closing days of the transfer window. And we have two extra days to stew in our own juices waiting...

 

I'm not reading all that on a subject involving underperforming over-fed millionaires... rarely much passion about an England 'cap' these days is there? And the expectation they'll choke in touraments is sadly invariably realised.

HOWEVER, the long, boring two week club football gap will have been of great help to US on this occasion. Time for our Strangers to orientate. Give thanks.

 

International football is to me is a big pain in the arse

 

"Cardiff striker Rob Earnshaw" Is he back there now?

 

So he is. He's just scored for them.