Alan Pardew and Mike Ashley.. A play in one Act!!

Act 1... Scene 1.

All is quiet onboard the SS Newcastle. The 52,000 crew are disgruntled. Its years since they have been given a good tasty meal. They are not ones to complain as a rule but they are getting annoyed at the meagre meals offered to them by the Captain and his First Mate. Rebellion is stirring.....


Captain Ashley.... " First Mate Pardew?"

First Mate Pardew.... "Yes Sir"

Captain Ashley... "I heard a crew member saying he was hungry. What have you done with those 40 million water biscuits I gave you
to feed the crew for an entire year? Where have they gone man??

First Mate Pardew... "They have all gone sir, sorry!"

Captain Ashley... "Whaat.!! Where have they gone?"

First Mate Pardew... "I dropped them in the ocean sir, they all got really soggy and totally useless. I tried to feed them to the crew but
those guys are clever. They saw what I was trying to do and they got really really angry. I think they are all insane
sir. Why they wont accept soggy wet second class biscuits as a meal I do not know?"

Captain Ashley... "Do we have any biscuits left Pardew?

First Mate Pardew... "Just the ****ty ones at the bottom of the packet sir. They are still dry. i thought I would never have to use them
though Sir. I think they are pretty tasteless and the crew wont like them."

Captain Ashley... "Do we have anything left to eat onboard Pardew?"

First Mate Pardew... "No Sir, I have exhausted all of our supplies!"

Captain Ashley... " You are an imbecile, First Mate Pardew!!"

First Mate Pardew.. " No Sir, even though 52,000 crew members think that, I think they are wrong because I think I am always right!"

Captain Ashley... " The crew are VERY VERY hungry First Mate Pardew!!

First Mate Pardew... " I know sir, but what can I do? I have wasted all the food. So WHAT??"

Captain Ashley... " Hmmmnn.. I have an idea. You have till 5pm Saturday to come up with a plan to feed the crew. IF, by then, you
have not come up with a solution I will chop you up into tiny pieces and feed you to the crew. Hopefully that will
keep them from the Captains Cabin Door for a few days!!"

First Mate Pardew... " Thank you Sir, thanks for the opportunity to debase my humanity by working for you and your despicable
company!! I dont think I will ever forget these 4 happy years!!"


I Thank you...!!!!!!!!

 

Like it fella.
can just see the SD and Wonga flags flying alongside the jolly roger....