I will be adding a joke for every goal we score this season some will be funny some will be ****. The jokes are mostly from friends and some that I have made up and others that I have improved or bastardized from other jokes At the moment we have scored 36 goals so I will be adding 36 jokes over the next few days until our next league game. 1. I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming. He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate." I said, "Hard work?" He said, "No, you're an ugly ****." 2. A recent study asked a group of women if their ****s twitched after sex. 98% said "No, he just lays there scratching his balls" 3. A ****. What do you call someone who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the joke? 4. Finally, after years of waiting, my book on having sex with herbs has been published. It's about ****ing thyme 5. SKY NEWS. "Venus Williams pulled a groin muscle." In other words. She has hurt her dick.
6. Don't know what all this fuss is about regarding Sian Massey. I was at the game. Seen her running up and down the line waving her arms around now and again. She was ****ing useless. Worst cheerleader I've ever seen 7. I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a ****." 8. I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off." 9. I lost my virginity to a ******ed girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special. 10. A father is sitting in the garden with his daughter..its nice and sunny... in fact its a beautiful day His daughter, who is playing in the garden, walks over to her father and asks ' daaaaad is that a Daddy Long Legs on top of a Mummy Long Legs?' 'No' her father tells her...'There are no Mummy Long Legs' The father is stunned and amazed that his daughter has a such an inquisitive mind, and has a warm feeling of joy as he watches as his daughter takes in her surroundings in the world and is starting to make sense of them... UNTILL he sees his daughter stamping on the Daddy long legs and hears her say ' we'll have none of that ****ing gay **** in this ****ing garden' !!!! 11. Lady in labour, shouting the usual ****, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you ****er!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, '**** off it'll be too painful.'"
12. Midnight is peek time for voyeurs 13. I've just ejaculated all over my neighbours pet. Now it really does look like the cat that got the cream. 14. I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection." But she did.
15. Ever tried anal sex? It's ****ing ****! 16. My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room. She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees. She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers. She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick." I said, "How the **** can I play snooker when you're on the table?!" Stupid cow.
17. Boomerangs ...frisbees for ginger kids 18. Just received a parcel from Holland today. I opened it up and there was a rubber fanny inside. I thought ' that's nice, Two lips from Amsterdam' 19. Paddy asks Murphy "Why do those skuba divers fall in the feckin water backwards?" Murphy replies " you daft **** Paddy, if they fell forwards...they,d still be in the feckin boat" 20. My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local *****phile is and they are going to arrest him tonight." I said, "That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia." 21. Last night before I went out on the pull, I had a ****. This obviously helps me to last longer if I get to **** a bird. I managed to pull a bird & take her back to my flat. We both got naked & she started to give me a blow job. She lifted her head up and said, "You had a **** today didn't you?" I said, "No, what makes you say that?" She said, "The tissue is in my mouth" 22. A Scotsman is in his garage ****ing into his welly when his wife walks in and catches him. "Hamish you dirty bastard, what are you doing?" she screams "Sorry love, just ****ing aboot" 23. Nothing says "I'm having a ****" more than telling people you are about to have a **** and then pulling your trousers down and having a **** 24. It's because of my bouts of heavy drinking that I keep making a bloody mess of my life. Oops! Typo, I meant wife. 25. Charlie was in class 1 and he went over to check the new kid out. "How old are you?" he asked. "I don't know," said the new kid. "Do men bother you?" "No" said the new kid. "Then you are five" 26.Tips on how to masturbate; If you're a girl 1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip. 2) Put a little water on it. 3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable. 4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs. 5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS. 6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything) 7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast. 8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T. 9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.) 10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet. 11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently. 12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly. 13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole) 14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going. 15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good. 16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again. 17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse. 18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large. If you're a boy 1)Read this. 2)Rub penis.
27. People are saying that calling assistant referees 'female lines-men' is offensive. Agreed. I much prefer Flag-Slag anyway. 28. Apparently it's inappropriate to ask my amputee co-worker if he can give me a hand. 30. My mate asked me if i knew the biological word for a swollen vagina.. Thick **** 31. bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were..." "Yeah yeah," she interrupted. "Tell me something I don't know." So I explained the offside rule. 32. I can't believe those scousers burning their Torres Liverpool shirts. What are they going to wear to court tomorrow?
33. My dad walked in on me while smoking a joint in one hand, and fapping to porn in the other... How the **** did he open the door? 34. What's the difference between a brick and a Ginger? A brick can get layed. 35. My cell mate said, "I've heard a rumour that you **** kids". I said, "Of course not, that's ****ing disgusting" He said, "Good, I thought I was going to have to kick your head in" I said, "**** is such an ugly word .. I make love to them" 36. Diary of Elisabeth Fritzl, aged 18 August 29th 1984 Daddy says he's got a suprise in the basement for me later today, I can't wait to see it!! April 26th 2008 That Bastard.
37. Sky Sports News. Andy Carroll after record ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã35 million signing for a British Football player: "I want to be treated like everyone else at Liverpool" Well, as a coked up girlfriend beater out on bail I don't think you'll struggle. 38. 190 mph winds batter Australia.. Suppose there's never been a better time to tie your kangaroo down sport..
40. Today I nearly mistakenly took a turn down a cul-de-sac. That was close. 41. After creating a crop circle I tuned to my wife and said, " I think that proves it." She said, " Proves what?" I said, " That your fanny needs a shave." 42. Because I'm going bald folk think they can call me a "baldy c*n*" I always reply "you are what you eat"
I was hoping more like Jimmy Carr...this is my fave joke that he has used and its not part of the list What's the Biggest cause of ****phile in the UK? Sexy kids If we go the whole season unbeaten at home I will try and do a Derby related joke for every home game.. as they are our only real rivals that mean anything. Sorry Leicester and Notts but we don't give a **** about you guys
43. My wife said, "I hate it when you alienate me in front of your mates." I replied, "But it's true, you have got a fanny like Predator's face." 44. I think the makers of the JLS condoms misinterpreted my suggestion to put some ****s on the box to excite customers and boost sales.
