A different view of the London Olympics .......... I see the Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze..............and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!! ----------------------------------- The Sailing results are in. GB took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth. ----------------------------------------------------- I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place. ----------------------------------------------------------------- My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?" After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer: "Chinese," I replied -------------------------------------------------------- Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing! The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from Glasgow's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?" The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also how you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again. "Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?" Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And then the lawyer said, "So Jimmy, if I don't give any f'king cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?" Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband! ------------------------------------ A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor. --------------------------------------- Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession. ---------------------------------------- A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient". ------------------------------------------ In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
Expectant Benwell teenage mother phones her mother on the mobile and says "Mam me watters have broke> Mother: Ee pet wher's ya ringing from. The lass says "me fanny to me ankles Ma".
I saw two Siamese twins fighting last night. They ended up bleeding to death after I'd separated them.
I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked. I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform." "That's no excuse," he shouted. I said, "I know, but try telling her that."
Bought our lass a French bulldog last week and despite the bulging eyes, wrinkled face and rolls of fat the dog seems to have taken a shine to her.
