1.Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia, and David Cameron, her British counterpart, are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Julia goes first. "What will Australia be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives her a printout. She reads it out. "The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries." David thinks "It's not bad, this time machine, I'll have a bit of that." So he asks, "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he's just staring at it. "Come on David," says Julia, "what does it say?" David replies, "I'm buggered if I know. It's all in Arabic." 2. Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ....... Who in the hell is Larry? Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233 2.
An Aussie is on a plane that ditches into the sea. When he comes to, he finds he's being cradled by Naomi Campbell, on a beautiful, tropical island. After he gets on his feet, he sees that Naomi has built a small hut and been out hunting and gathering food. he can't believe his luck. A week passes and a romance develops between him and the super model, he's in heaven. He's living every man's dream. But as the weeks turn to months, Naomi becomes a little worried about his well being, he's becoming increasingly sad. One day she finds him weeping by the sea and asks him if there is anything she can do. He hands her his shirt and asks her to put it on. She does. Then he gets her to wear his pants and then grabs a bit of charcoal and asks if he can draw a mustache on her. As she's worried about him, she agrees. So he paints he mo and sends her off in one direction, while he goes the other. As he spots her approaching on the other side of the island, he breaks out in a huge grin, races up and blurts out "Man you wouldn't believe who've I've been ****in'"
When I saw the title of this thread, I was expecting it to be a list of members of the current Aussie Test cricket side. With the Rugby World Cup coming up the Wallabies are safe from ridicule. The problem with being stranded on a desert island with Naomi Campbell is that she would probably find something to throw at you that is heavier than a phone and you would need to have had some dodgy diamonds in your pockets to get a smile out of her for less than ten grand. That Julia Gillard is a Taff but the desert island that we stranded her on in the sixties is quite big. She could not find a sheep shearer and ended up with a hairdresser!
