Hope you enjoy these:- My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuumcleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years " Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador. "F*ck that" says Mick - "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us. Spent ã40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it andthe smart arse sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had ã1.20 in her purse. Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside! Do you think I should change dentists?
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
I'm quite new here, so forgive me if this a bit over the line... The mods on 606 thought so, at least: Please solve this maths problem: It is 3:00 and John is running late. He has 14 shirts to iron and each shirt takes 10 minutes to iron correctly. John needs to be out of the house by 4:30. How hard does John have to beat his wife to get the ironing done in time.
I saw a porn film last night about a woman giving a hand job to a carpenter, a plumber, an electrician and a plasterer. It was called "Jack off all trades". Boom boom!
How does Lady Gaga like her meat? RAW RAW RAW I was asked to run a marathon & I said no chance. Then I was told it was for spastic & blind kids & I thought '**** it. I could win that!' My doctor said I don't eat enough vegetables, so I've started dating a spastic girl who loves oral sex.
favourite graffit ?i: I am getting no flagellation; I am getting no necrophilia; I am getting no bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?
Couple of funny twitter comments I came accross during the United v Chelsea CL game: I just had a 'Fernando Torres' night out. It was really expensive, had lots of shots, and didn't even manage to score. Carlo Ancelotti reluctant to give pre-match interview to Sky. Maybe Roman hasn't shown him the team sheet yet
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy? 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshiaââ¬â¢s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise... 7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue. 8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 9. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized. 10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.
