50 SHADES OF GATESHEAD â Chapter 5 The day of the wedding dawned. Me heed felt like it was ganna borst WI the hangowa, so I stuck me fingers doon me throat to make way for me brekky. Cowld kebab and a cuppa. Sorted. Being a bit of a traditionalist, I had carefully planned the day, with something old (me frock), new (the ring), borrowed (hair extensions) and blue (tattoo). I wanted to look just like Jordan did on her weddings but not as tacky. Ahâd had me Burberry wedding frock dry cleaned to remove the stains from the last wedding day. Ee, happy and sad memories, of those no longer with us but, with time off for good behaviour, theyâll be oot in aboot five years time. I had the elasticated waist taken oot aaltogether as well cos this was the ownly time ahâd been married withoot being up the duff. Ah was a bit more adventurous and had the front bodice made bigger an aal so you cud see me new tattoo on me left titty of mine and Darryl's names intertwined, above two Staffy pitbulls mating, which was a symbol of our love. âLike A Virginâ blared out as we walked down the aisle. Tasha, my chief bridesmaid, was walking backwards cos she used to be an usherette at the Odeon. Owld habits die hard I suppose. The gormless fat cow kept standing on me train and ah was so pleased sheâd kept her trainers on instead of the stilettos Iâd nicked for her, otherwise me frock would have been ruined. I looked at my Darryl standing there all nervous, with Kev his best man, both in matching shellsuits and Kappa trainers. As I neared him, the aroma of Blue Stratos and garlic overwhelmed me and I realised that, far from being nervous, he was shaking cos he was due his methadone fix. The do started when the vicar asked âDoes anyone know of any lawful impediment why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?â I held my breath as I had slept with Kev, the vicar and most of the choir but they all kept schtum. He then smiled and said âDo you, Darryl Greggs St James Park Keegan Byker Grove Geordie Jeans Simpleton take Kylie Steak Bake Avon Lipgloss Ann Summers Pepperoni Provident to be your lawful wedded wife?â There was a pause that seemed to last forever. What was gannin through his heed? Did he knaa aboot the hen neet shenanigans? Was I aboot to be rumbled? Kev nudged him to take his Walkman off and Darry uttered âAyeâ Me Ma started bubbling and a hord me Da blow his nose to stifle a tear. Married again !! We exchanged sovereign rings and Waalked into the vestry to sign the register. Darryl couldnât wait any laanger and hoisted me frock up and took is there and then. Nee wonder me signature was wobbly. We waalked oot arm in arm. Aal the grandbairns looked lush in tha matching Ethel Austin ootfits and friends and family stood shoulder to shoulder for the pics. Somebody hoyed a horse shoe for good luck and it worked, it hit Tasha reet in the gob. Ah tossed me floowaz behind is as we got onto the horse and trap to tek us to the airport and sunny Benidorm for the honeymoon. The driver looked familiar, ah knew his face from somewhere........ And then it hit is like a shovelâ¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..he hadnât been a soldier or a booncer at all, the lying getâ¦â¦â¦â¦
Now this Mr Welder, is a truly fantastic post.....i love it... Bit that got me giggling like a ladyboy who has conned a Chav from Byker into believing it's only an enlarged clitorus was. Fantastic.
