The barnsley joke page

An English prisoner of war was being held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over his body but had survived and okay until one day when the Germans told him
'Englander,your arm is
infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."

The English prisoner
said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over
England when you go
bombing?"

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."


A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did the last time?'

"Ya, that vill be done,"
says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they
have to cut his leg off.

Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?"

The German replies, "Vhy, ya."


The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well,"

begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped
No! We think you are trying to escape!"

 

Sad news from the nestle factory. A man has been crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate bars.

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled "The milky bars are on me", People just cheered !

 

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NO COME WORK TODAY

Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear" said the Queen "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that".

"It's quite understandable" said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse".

 

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
HIM: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
HER: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
HIM: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
HER: "No way. It's just too risky!"
HIM: "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
HER: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
HIM: "Oh, yes you can. Please?"
HER: "No, no. I just can't"
HIM: "I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for Goodness sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

 

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Had it All !!

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I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no,.........I just got out of prison."

 

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.



"You're simply going through the change!"

 

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now sh*t shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin' window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the feckin' cat.

 

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So the Movember Moustache will finally be shaven off at midnight thank god.

I'm so happy, my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

 

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*********POLITE NOTICE **********

To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them?
Every time I pass, I think it's the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff , swallow my joint and hide my gun.

Thank you for your understanding.

 

A Liverpool fan walks into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a small break away in England for the Christmas period, but I don't know where to go?"

The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year."

 

40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter consults with God and says to them, "We've only got room for 12 of you so you'll have to decide amongst yourselves who comes into the house of the lord."

5 minutes later St.Peter says to God, "I don't believe it, they've gone!" God says, "What, all 40 of them?" St.Peter says, "No, the fecking gates!"