Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the Doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little Angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the Doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him Pancakes. Pancakes are the new wonder food for small penises. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a rather large stack of warm Pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All for Me" ..??? "Just take Two," Brenda replied. "The Rest are for your Father."
Teacher says to the class.."Tell me a word beginning with "A". Billy says "Arse"...He gets told off by the teacher. Then she asks for a word beginning with "B"...Jenny says "Bollocks"...Again, she gets told off. The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D"...Johnny. calls out "Dwarf". The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is. Johnny replies "A short arsed cu*t with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor"!
At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, The little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow. "Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?" Paddy replied
I've just received a letter saying that my Grandad has left me a very Expensive Antique Watch in his Will. I Hope It's Not a Wind Up...
An English prisoner of war was being held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over his body but had survived and okay until one day when the Germans told him 'Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did the last time?' "Ya, that vill be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped No! We think you are trying to escape!"
CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NO COME WORK TODAY Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones a little heavy and the other is a little lighter..
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today.
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear" said the Queen "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that". "It's quite understandable" said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse".
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" HIM: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" HER: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" HIM: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" HER: "No way. It's just too risky!" HIM: "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" HER: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" HIM: "Oh, yes you can. Please?" HER: "No, no. I just can't" HIM: "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for Goodness sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady, "Have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?" She replies, "A couple of times. But I prefer being ****ed up the arse on the sofa."
Had it All !! please log in to view this image I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage." I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no,........I just got out of prison."
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now sh*t shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin' window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the feckin' cat.
