The barnsley joke page

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said "OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"

 

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.


The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.


Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.


"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.


When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"


Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

 

An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume.
The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says
"Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!"

Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says
"Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!"

About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator,
but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says

"Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"

 

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A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out.

Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world."

Her friend asked her what she meant.

"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too fu*king old to squat."

 

I was sat in a doctor's waiting room. I asked the man next to me what he was in for. He said "I stu... Hmmm... I stu... Hmmm... I stu..." "You stutter?" I said, feeling sorry for him.

"No" he replied. "I stuck a piece of Lego up my bum, and it really hurts".

 

Teacher says to the class.."Tell me a word beginning with "A". Billy says "Arse"...He gets told off by the teacher.


Then she asks for a word beginning with "B"...Jenny says "Bollocks"...Again, she gets told off.


The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D"...Johnny. calls out "Dwarf".

The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is.


Johnny replies "A short arsed cu*t with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor"!

 

At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised.
During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
A bald Donald Trump looked up and said,
"Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it.

I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"

 

Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.



"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"



"Sticks?" Paddy replied

 

I've just received a letter saying that my Grandad has left me a very Expensive Antique Watch in his Will.



I Hope It's Not a Wind Up...