I went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my Boxers Shorts. The Doctor said, " Ignore them, they're Talking Bollocks"...
I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but last night she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some Haribo.
I called the Incontinence Society yesterday "May I ask where you are ringing from" the guy asked "The waist down" I replied.
Two old age pensioners are having a 69. After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell’s too bad down there – I can’t carry on." "That’ll be my athritis" she says. "What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before." "No" she says "It’s in my arms and hands. . . it means I can’t wipe me arse.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
The missus come out wearing just a skirt and a TeeShirt. She asked if I liked her UnderBoobs. I would have said yes if it was not for the fact that she was wearing a normal sized TeeShirt.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life." The doctor asks, "Can you describe the problem?" "Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work." "Okay..." the doctor replies. "I haven't finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break." "Right..." "Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep." "Well, I don't see what the problem is... " The guy says, "It hurts when I wànk."
A secretary runs into her Bosses office and says "Boss quick I need to use your Dictaphone". He replies "No you can't, use your finger like everyone else".
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.” Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?” “Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
The mortician calls Mrs. Smith, and says, “Excuse me Mrs. Smith, but I can’t seem to close the lid to your husband’s coffin due to his enormous erection.” To which she replies, “Why don’t you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That’s the only hole in town it hasn’t been in.”
A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”
I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts. I haven't got an addiction. It's just a great way of meeting sluts.
I went into my local Chinese takeaway last night and got talking to the owner of the shop. 'What you do for a riving, then?', he said. 'What do I do for a living, you mean?' 'Yes..' 'I'm a comedian', I replied. 'Go on then, change colour', he chuckled. 'No! I'm not a fÜcking chameleon, I'm a comedian' 'Oh right, tell me joke then. Make me raff', he said. Just then in the kitchen, I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it. 'Wok! Wok!', I shouted. 'Who's dare..', he said. Fµck this, I thought. I'm off to the Indian.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
