The barnsley joke page

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

 

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A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.
I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.

That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

 

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it.
He has no recollection of how he got there.

While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man, "I have really bad news.

You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis."

Stunned, the man asks, "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."

"Will that really help me, doctor?"

"No", the doctor begins, "but it's all we can fit under the the door."

 

It was Christmas Eve.
A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.
Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What is that?" he asked.
She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today.
On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied,
"now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

 

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. “Are you hurt?” she asks. She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”

 

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and you will receive Eternal Life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster....

 

There was three guys walking down a hill a black guy, a Mexican guy, and a Chinese guy.
Then they got kidnapped by a crazy gay guy.
He said, "If all three of your dicks add up to 12 inches your lives will be spared."
The black guy pulls down his pants and he measured 6 inches,
the mexican measured 4 inches
and the the asian measured 2 inches.
Their lives got spared.
Walking down that same hill the black guy said, "You are lucky im black"
The mexican said, "You are lucky im Mexican"
Then the Chinaman said, "You are soooo lucky I had a boner".

 

A secretary runs into her Bosses office and says "Boss quick I need to use your Dictaphone".

He replies "No you can't, use your finger like everyone else".

 

A LETTER FROM A 69 YEAR OLD FEMALE TO AN AGONY AUNT:

Dear Deidre,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do?
Confused…..

Dear Confused,

Grow up and dump him.You don't need him anymore. For fu*k sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip !

 

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.”

Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked,
“Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.”
Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”

“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”