I fell asleep in the chair yesterday, when i woke up some f@@ker had put a teabag in my mouth............... I'm not happy. .....................hate being taken for a mug!!.
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
A woman came home with a waxing kit. She asked her husband " do you want me to shave the sides or just leave a strip down the middle?" Her husband said " I'd rather you get rid of your whole moustache"
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night.. Moaning, groaning and banging the headboard against the wall... Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over and was knocking her stick to get help. Feel a bit guilty about that w**k now
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!" It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise therein no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. “Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells… "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she says. "Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!". "I've been circumcised.", the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'Search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana. I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes. Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.' Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.' Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ' Pharmacist: 'Definitely.' Jacob: 'How about Viagra?' Pharmacist: 'Of course.' Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?' Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.' Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?' Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.' Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?' Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.' Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
A woman had been on the game for 4 years.... and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night..... so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence...... After an hour in bed with her he said......... "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal! - I've already done the paperwork!"
