When I was younger I was given two choices, to either have an amazing memory or have a huge cock, unfortunately I can't remember which one I chose
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
In an alternative hell, he sees 3 doors. Behind door 1, people are standing in **** up to their necks. He says I'll pass on that one. Behind door 2, hey are standing in **** up to their noses. He says I'll pass on that one as well. Behind door 3, he sees people in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee. He says I'll definitely take that one! Fine, says Satan and as he shuts the door, shouts out coffee break over, back on your heads now!
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?” “Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again. “Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.” So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?” “Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”
I was watching porn the other day, two hot girls really going for it, eating each other out, fingering, bit of spanking and the rest. Suddenly an old man walked, he took a long look at the two girls then sat down in the corner and started ****ing. I shouted 'For ****s sake Dad go watch your own Porn!'
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says " I did some schoolwork" The robot slaps the son. The son says "Ok. Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies" Dad asks "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy story" The robot slaps the son. Son says "Ok. Ok, we were watching porn" Dad says "What?. At your age I didn't even know what porn was" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son" The robot slaps the mother.
I woke up totally Bald this morning. I think my wife misunderstood me. When I told her "She should shave her twat"
