These were voted the best gags from this years Edinburgh Festival 1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart” by Masai Graham 2. “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one…” by Stuart Mitchell 3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10″ by Mark Watson 4. “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an Ikea bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” by Mark Smith 5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” by Will Duggan 6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” by Tiff Stevenson 7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” by Gary Delaney 8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” by Adele Cliff 9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” by Annie McGrath 10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask?” by Jordan Brookes 11. “Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” by Michelle Wolf 12. “I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” by Roger Swift 13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer” by Arthur Smith 14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” by Zoe Lyons 15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” by Phil Nicol
5. “I wentto a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” by Will Duggan Someone just kill this ****.
I thought that one was quite funny. Goes to show some people have a sense of humour and some people tell everyone else how good their sense of humour is unless it is directed at them. Not naming names but they rhyme with Mousers.
1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart” by Masai Graham - doesn't make sense. the da isn't doing anything to woo him so it doesn't work 2. “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one…” by Stuart Mitchell - erm, no they dont 3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10″ by Mark Watson - well why stay with her then u fkn dweeb 4. “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an Ikea bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” by Mark Smith - closest thing to comedy on this list 5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” by Will Duggan - stopped at liverpool 6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” by Tiff Stevenson - 1. i doesnt 2. your a dick 7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” by Gary Delaney - do ye aye 8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” by Adele Cliff - lukewarm pish, oh what a surprise it was a female that said it 9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” by Annie McGrath - no i love it 10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask?” by Jordan Brookes - schizophrenia is no laughing matter 11. “Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” by Michelle Wolf - wow, real topical. here's a free rampant rabbit 12. “I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” by Roger Swift - surely any witty marmite related comedy hast to be from the 'love/hate' angle. 1/10 13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer” by Arthur Smith - hahahahahahahahahahahha not. 14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” by Zoe Lyons - file under 'female comedy' again 15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” by Phil Nicol - are u fcking kidding me?? if your doing wordplay at least make the words sound remotely alike these are my thoughts
I've been doing some stand up on various open mic nights in Glasgow. I was trying to tell a joke about fat badgers but I couldn't fit them into my sett.
Just heard some terrible sad news about my mate Gavin,he overdosed on indigestion tablets. Poor Gav is gone.
My son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
