Jurgen Klopp has promised to take Liverpool back to 'The Glory Days' next season. Just as soon as he can get the Delorean up to 88mph.
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. " I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."
Can't be arsed watching the Olympic opening ceremony on Friday. If I wanted to watch 700 people walking around in tracksuits, I'd go and spend the day in Liverpool.
Breaking News The Irish fencing team have withdrawn from the Olympics already!! They've ran out of creosote!
Paddy says to Murphy " Have you seen the News? 3 Cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable!" Says Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"
A married man's prayer : Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away You gave me youth, You took it away. You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.
A bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison". And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped". Turning on his side, he smiles and says "Then we will have to re-imprison him". After the second time, the bride says "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says "Honey, the prisoner escaped again" to which the husband yelled "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent..' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L' The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some Rudimentary questions Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her Which ocean is off Canada's East Coast When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question: Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my motherThat's why I got Bugger All for breakfast
Three elderly golfers walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens". "Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens". "Actually" said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all". "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all". "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am". Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until seven..."
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex". The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting" his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!" The wife looked confused and replied to his mate "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick".
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible". The Doctor examines him and then says -”You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days". The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?" "You were homesick".
A boy walks into his father's bedroom whilst he is masturbating. "Father what are you doing" asks the boy. "Don't worry son you'll be doing it soon"" says the father. "Daddy why's that?" "Because my arms getting tired that's why"
