The barnsley joke page

On the first day, God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years". The dog said "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span". The monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did"?

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years". The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"?

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years". But man said "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay"?

"Okay" said God "You asked for it".

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.....

 

A man was watering his lawn one day when he saw two hearses followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. He thought this was very strange so he asked the guy (with the dog) what was going on.

"That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died" the man answered.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that" the guy watering his lawn said. "What about the second hearse?"

"Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died".

The guy watering his lawn thought for a minute and said "Can I borrow your dog?"

The man with the dog responded "Back of the line!"

 

Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.

Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.

 

Jeez, they look like kiddies tops

 

An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark. "Because I recognised it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago".

"Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark.

"Yes..." said the elephant "turtle recall".

 

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth.

The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.

The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?"

"Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

 

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled..
Bruce came running in.
" Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Frank’. They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'

 

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.'
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.......

 

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

Can't be arsed watching the Olympic opening ceremony on Friday.

If I wanted to watch 700 people walking around in tracksuits, I'd go and spend the day in Liverpool.

 

Jurgen Klopp has promised to take Liverpool back to 'The Glory Days' next season.

Just as soon as he can get the Delorean up to 88mph.

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired..