Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ".
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!' When you stop laughing, send this to a friend !!!
THE KIWI APPROACH A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Wainuiomata.' The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Kiwisaid 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no.... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm. I shouted. “Where are you off to Charlie”? He said. “I'm off to change a light bulb”. Well, I just cracked up laughing. I said. “That's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it mate?” “Not really” you insensitive bastard!" “I still have the receipt!" All these years of having a joke thread and it`s still not a sticky ! have the mods no sense of humor or what ? ffs !!!!
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill. Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.” Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?” Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
Which of the following names are you familiar with? 1. Monica Lewinski 2. Tony Blair 3. Robert Mugabe 4. Jeremy Corbyn 5. Jorge Bergoglio 6. Winnie Mandela 7. Vladimir Putin 8. Linda Lovelace 9. Sepp Blatter You had trouble with no.5? Typical, you know the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts, liars and cheats, but you don't know the Pope! ( who may or may not be worse than all the others put together ! )
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh." A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room. After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry." The man shouts, "You're on!" After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?" The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time. In General: 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview... 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral. Eating Out: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. Entertaining at Home: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. Personal Hygiene: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. Theatre/Cinema Etiquette: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Weddings: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. Driving Etiquette: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question, My Lord?" "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship. "I am doing the crossword inThe Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on." "What word is that?" asked His Lordship. "Aplomb," My Lord. "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure." "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused." "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, . ministering to their needs. "While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply." "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief." "That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender." "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." "And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ? THAT , Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date. For Heavens sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, and on the last eight damn passports I've had and on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You post the application to my house, THEN you ask me for my bloody address!!!! What is going on?? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Goodness sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a toss whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the soddin place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then I have to find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons). Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off! Signed An Irate Citizen. P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776...... I have served in the military for over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN PAKISTAN !! Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land." Then Gordon Brown stole our shovels, taxed our asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land. Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WEare now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased VAT to 20%. I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
An old priest was dying. He sent a message to the parish banker and lawyer, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the priest had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable homilies about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior which made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, “Father, why did you ask us to come?” The old priest mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. And the practice continues to this day...
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
