Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."
An old lesbian went to the same market stall later that day, Kiwi, asking for the largest cucumber the merchant had available. "Certainly, madam", said the merchant,"would you like it sliced?" "What do you think I am," retorted the lesbian,"a ****ing slot machine?"
Goalies! I've found how you can improve your reaction times and catching skills by 100%. Simply stand at the end of the checkout at Aldi.
Did you hear about the fella who opened up the world's biggest flea market.... He started it from scratch!
Three men want to make phone call from Hell to remind their relatives about the harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi. So they decide to go to the Devil who is the boss. The American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then the Italian made a call and the Devil made him pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than the USA. LASTLY the Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent. Both the American and Italian complained as it is not fair and the devil responded to them "The Iraqi call was a local call whereas yours was an International call"
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!' When you stop laughing, send this to a friend !!!
THE KIWI APPROACH A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Wainuiomata.' The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Kiwisaid 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no.... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
Not a joke as such but some of these did make me giggle, enjoy......... Facebook piss offs: 1) Men pouting in photos, girls look ridiculous enough, but lads....****ing stop it. 2) Girls with Ming from Flash Gordon eyebrows. Eyebrows... are meant to deflect water from your eyes, they are NOT supposed to have corners.... 3) People who write billy big bollocks statuses like...."to the man in the shop who just stood on my toe, it's a good job u had ur kids with u or I'd have knocked u out!" Or "to the woman in the green corsa who cut me up earlier then smiled at me at the lights, it's a good job the lights changed cos I was gonna get out and kick u square in the minge!".... Firstly they won't see that status because you don’t know them, secondly, why are you making out like you’d show any aggression towards them? You clearly said absolutely nothing to them, then ran home to write a status about what you would have done if you had some bollocks.... 4) 30+ year old men describing good things as "sick"... Grow up... 5) Young people using Americanisms, like.. "We got a cab home and made out.." No mate, you fingered her in a taxi.... 6) "New hair" posts...it’s not ****ing new hair, it's your same old hair just shorter and laced with chemicals to make it the same colour as whichever pretty celeb you’re trying to copy... And by the way, she looks nice with red hair...you look like a tool. 7) Overnight nutritionists...I'm glad you recently discovered health and fitness 4 months ago, but knowing that chicken and rice is good clean food, doesn't mean you should post pics of your 8 prepped meals online every morning and preach how we should all be eating just that. Some of us like pizza thanks! **** off!! 8) People who post updates like "what time does the co-op open?" You clearly have internet access... Google it you ****ing cabbage!!! 9) THIS!!!! Status: "completely devastated" What's up babe? U ok Hun? What's happened? "I've inboxed you...." You nob....that’s all. 10) Pics of girls legs in the bath, just short of their tuppence...just pack it in, you attention seeking whore. The post isn't about… "peace at last"... It's about, "I'm naked and gagging for c**k, inbox me".
Not a joke as such but some of these did make me giggle, enjoy......... Facebook piss offs: 1) Men pouting in photos, girls look ridiculous enough, but lads....****ing stop it. 2) Girls with Ming from Flash Gordon eyebrows. Eyebrows... are meant to deflect water from your eyes, they are NOT supposed to have corners.... 3) People who write billy big bollocks statuses like...."to the man in the shop who just stood on my toe, it's a good job u had ur kids with u or I'd have knocked u out!" Or "to the woman in the green corsa who cut me up earlier then smiled at me at the lights, it's a good job the lights changed cos I was gonna get out and kick u square in the minge!".... Firstly they won't see that status because you don’t know them, secondly, why are you making out like you’d show any aggression towards them? You clearly said absolutely nothing to them, then ran home to write a status about what you would have done if you had some bollocks.... 4) 30+ year old men describing good things as "sick"... Grow up... 5) Young people using Americanisms, like.. "We got a cab home and made out.." No mate, you fingered her in a taxi.... 6) "New hair" posts...it’s not ****ing new hair, it's your same old hair just shorter and laced with chemicals to make it the same colour as whichever pretty celeb you’re trying to copy... And by the way, she looks nice with red hair...you look like a tool. 7) Overnight nutritionists...I'm glad you recently discovered health and fitness 4 months ago, but knowing that chicken and rice is good clean food, doesn't mean you should post pics of your 8 prepped meals online every morning and preach how we should all be eating just that. Some of us like pizza thanks! **** off!! 8) People who post updates like "what time does the co-op open?" You clearly have internet access... Google it you ****ing cabbage!!! 9) THIS!!!! Status: "completely devastated" What's up babe? U ok Hun? What's happened? "I've inboxed you...." You nob....that’s all. 10) Pics of girls legs in the bath, just short of their tuppence...just pack it in, you attention seeking whore. The post isn't about… "peace at last"... It's about, "I'm naked and gagging for c**k, inbox me".
I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.
What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there's a mile between the first and last letter.
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill. Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.” Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?” Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
