Dear Newcastle United Fans, First of all let me wish you all a very Happy New Year (though to be honest you ungrateful bastards don't deserve one). 2016 is upon us and we are well on our way to achieving our goals, though listening to you lot moaning away you would hardly believe it. We stated at the start of the season that our main objectives for this season, and going forward, were to achieve a top 8 finish in the league, concentrate on the cups, establish a proper football bored and sign players that will benefit the club. The way you all go on it's as if you have never read these objectives and don't know the first thing about running a football club. So for the benefit of all you uneducated idiots, let me put you straight about where this football club is going and how far we are along the way of achieving our objectives. First of all, any idiot can see that if we want to maximise our chances of achieving a top 8 finish then the Premier League is not the place to do that. We need to be realistic. The chances of achieving a top 8 finish in the Premier League are minimal without investing serious money into buying quality footballers. The fact that you lot have not grasped that investing serious money is not the best way to run a football club is not my fault. The best way to achieve our aim of a top 8 finish is to get ourselves into a lower league, and we firmly believe that Steve McClaren is the perfect manager to take us there. He has experience of failure and what is more, once we are in a lower league he also has a track record of getting points in the bag early in the season before avoiding any unnecessary risks of promotion, to an unrealistic league, by finishing poorly. We feel this will be the most cost effective way of achieving our aims as it will avoid the need to spend money in January in order to finish in the top 8. We also said that this season we would be concentrating on the cups and we achieved that goal before a ball had been kicked. You all know that Kath the tea lady finally retired last year. While we appreciate her many years of service to Newcastle United, it had become clear that she carried out her duties in a way that put a smile onto the faces of visitors to St James' Park. We all know that this is not the image of Newcastle United that we are currently trying to portray. With Kath's retirement we have been able to appoint a new tea lady who will carry out her duties in a much more corporate and clinical way that better reflects the culture of Newcastle United. We also said that we would create a football bored. Goals are what makes football exciting, and our resolve and determination to not buy a proven goalscorer has helped us to avoid any unneccesary excitement. I am sure you will all agree that the football this season is as effective as any other club at leaving fans bored. It is our belief that we can outdo any club in the country when it comes to our football bored. Last summer we purchased Aleksandar Mitrović and Georginio Wijnaldum. Both of these players offer us the opportunity to boost our finances by having long surnames, meaning that we earn more when you put their names on the back of your replica shirts - so much better than the nightmare days of seeing fans walk into St James' with just 'Ba' on their backs. Yes we also purchased Mbemba, but that is only because we had a surplus of M's and B's. All in all it has been a very successful few months at the club and yet still you lot still moan. Yes there have been setbacks. Nobody could have foreseen just how **** Aston Villa would be, or that the mackems would turn to that fat **** Allerdyce. However, despite both of those factors making it more difficult to drop down a division, we are still confident that we will bring Championship football to this club next year. In summary, stop the ****ing moaning!! We have made it clear from the offset where we are taking this football club. If you miserable ****s haven't learned that by now then you have only yourselves to blame! Laters ****s! Lee Charnley.
