The barnsley joke page

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "F*ck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

……………………The teacher had to leave the room.

 

SCOTTISH LOVE STORY
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or wasit one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and witheredhand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ........

"F**k off. They're for the funeral", she said.

 

God Said, "Adam, IWant you to do Something for Me."
Adam Said, "Gladly,Lord, what do You Want me to do?"
GodSaid, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that To him, and then said,
"Go over to the Hill....."

Adam said,"What is a Hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On The Other side of the
Hill you will find a Cave."

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained,He Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'IWant youTo Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do That?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as Well.

So, Adam goes down IntoThe valley,
Across the river, and Over the hill,
Into the Cave, and finds theWoman.

Then, in About five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is ItNow?"

And Adam said....
*

*


"What's a Headache?"

 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
”Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
”I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of….. ”
At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
”Tell him about the day you told the witchdoctor to **** off.”

 

Best joke I've heard this year...............









Donald Trump for president

 

One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the car and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to ?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman. "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at ?"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question ?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller ?"

 

Teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his Father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You Bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
Bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm browned
off that you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even
strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going To love the Dad's reply!)


"Did you also notice Son they all walked everywhere they went?!!"

 

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!