The barnsley joke page

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"

I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

 

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England ..

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

 

THE RECTUM STRETCHER!

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...' smile emoticon

 

*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month... *
*Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *
*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *
*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *
*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *
*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

 

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered
the three words that no man wants to hear:
'Who Was That?'

 

Whilst having my prostate exam I asked the Dr "where shall I put my pants?".....
"Next to mine over there" was not the answer I was expecting.

 

Hooray
Wooperts back

 

I had a slightly different version of this one that I was going to post kiwi, nice one

 

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile.
Bartender says 'you can't have that in here, it'll scare everyone away'
'But he does tricks' the man said 'wanna see'
So the man takes a hammer out of his backpack , puts his dick in the croc's mouth and smacks the croc on the head with the hammer.
The croc shuts it's mouth and sucks the man's cock like a vacuum cleaner.
'Mmmmmm' says the man 'see, I told you'
'Wow, that's amazing' said the bartender 'I guess you can have a drink'
After a couple of beers the man turns around to the rest of the people in the bar
'Anyone else want a go' he said
An old man in the corner spoke up 'Sure, I'll have a go, but can you not hit me so hard"

 

Paddy and Murphy are on a building site. Murphy's operating the crane and accidentally lets a load of bricks drop from 20', cutting Paddy's left ear off.
The pair of them are searching through the debris when Murphy finds an ear.
'Here, is this your ear, Paddy"
'Nah' he said
'Mine had a pencil behind it"

 

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

 

Breaking news..........
A man took an airline to court over a missing suitcase..........he lost his case.