The barnsley joke page

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said,!
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Hari and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”
“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

 

Riddle for seniors....
Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.On your left side is a sharp drop-off.On your right side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable toovertake it.Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
Think logically before you scroll down for the answer
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Quietly get off the merry-go-round and go home!

 

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movielast night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

I went to the doctor the other day. I said "Have you got anything for wind?"
He gave me a kite.

I went to see the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar..'

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh.. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'





He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

 

The doctor said drink a glass of red wine after a hot bath.....but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

I drove my car the wrong way down a one way street. A policeman stopped me and said: "Didn't you see the arrows?"
I said: "Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians."

My wife said: "Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet."
I said: "Fudge."

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "i've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!'

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady walked into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband".
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at
low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions
to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the
anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

 

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

 

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

 

An old "Geezer"became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000".Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22, and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh !!?This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't? That's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak?I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story?Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer!"

 

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy
armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting
at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar
went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down
on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing
the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another
drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!"

 

Oscar Pistorius will be celebrating his release to home arrest by getting legless and doing some shots in the bathroom.

 

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

 

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."