Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

I stole them for my new stand up routine at the senior citizen's naturist holiday retreat.

 

Well beware of hecklers. They'll just be trying to get a rise out of you. The thought of your knee banger getting out of control is quite frightening

 

Fernando Torres has just bought a pub. Seems he's great at putting shots over the bar.

How many City players does it take to change a light globe? None. They're happy living in United's shadow.

Easiest way to score against Wycombe? Pass the ball to their defenders.

What's the difference between Chelsea and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up their defence.

UK Post Office was forced to recall Chelsea stamps. Nobody knew which side to spit on.

What do Chelsea fans and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Why do people tend to hate Chelsea players on sight? Because it saves time.

Lady to doctor: Can I become pregnant from anal sex? Doctor: Of course, where do you think Chelsea fans come from?

 

Do you not frighten them with your well-advertised physical attributes?.................

 

On the eve of Michael Clarke's last test match it's been announced that he will pursue a new career as consultant coach for the Aussie national bobsleigh team. They were extremely impressed at how he managed to go downhill so fast.

 

Dad having breakfast with his two boys. He asks one. "What do you want son?"

Son. "I'll have some ****in' cornflakes."

Dad backhands him and then asks the second son what he wants.

Son 2. "Well you can bet your arse it won't be ****in' cornflakes."


A man takes his rottweiler to the vet because the dog appears to be cross eyed. The vet picks up the dog, peers deeply into it's eyes, and says "Yes, he's cross eyed. I'm going to have to put him down."

"What??" screams the man, "Just because he's cross eyed?"

"No " the vet replies, "Because he's heavy."

 

Headline in most of today's UK press:
Chinese to build nuclear power station in Essex

If anyone can come up with a follow-up headline, or comment, or one-liner that makes me laugh out loud, I'll give a modest donation to the charity of their choice.
Preference will be given to racist entries that simultaneously rubbish both China and Essex (and their natives, male or female), and extra preference to any that can work in a Benny Hill-style play on the confusion between R and L.

 

E-cigarettes used by 1 in 20 Scots, says health survey

Apparently, the other nineteen are still trying to figure out how to light them...

 

QM.

 

Disappointingly, only one entry, but that doesn't matter because it met the condition of making me laugh. So Oddy's charity wins the donation*.

I'd secretly hoped that someone would take on the linguistic challenges of Birralicky or Cracton, or even muse on why Essex lady councillors only face a Leigh erection every three years. Never mind, and I'll try to think of something more promising next time.

* Oddy: 1) can you let me know where you'd like it sent ? If they have an online Justgiving presence, so much the better.

2) and off-topic: I know nothing of Bundesliga economics, but presumably the commercial firestorm that awaits VW is going to burn VfL Wolfsburg. Or doesn't it work like that ?

 

Thanks, Oddy. It's gone to Make-a-Wish, a group that tries to bring some happiness to terminally ill kids: they have a website. Well done.

 

And well done to you also Rainer

 

German Federal Police release picture of prime suspect in VW emissions scandal:

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Party Political Conference season is well under way and this week it is Labour down on the beach. This should be a really good laugh.

How many of the Trotskyites and Communists that got Comrade Corbyn the Labour leadership can afford Brighton hotel prices from their benefit cheques and student loans? Despite his apparently overwhelming mandate from the leadership election, he will not make any decisions but insists that the Party can make the decisions.

If the Party decides that policy will be to not renew Trident, will Shadow Defence Secretary Angela Eagle – who is pro Trident – be the first one to quit? Surely it is odds-on that Labour will just make Trident a free vote in Parliament, which makes the leader irrelevant.

On the Sunday Politics, former Shadow Chancellor Chris Leslie was asked if John McDonnell would make a good Chancellor and avoided answering the question (silence = no) but did agree that winning the leadership did entitle Comrade Corbyn to lead Labour into the next election. He then ducked the question about whether he saw Comrade Corbyn as Prime Minister in 2020 (silence = no).

 

Comrade Corbyn exhibits fruits of his new Allotment Policy – more vegetables for the Labour shadow cabinet.

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I thought that was her holding it for a minute, until I scrolled down.

"Cop hold of this"

"Ooooh, I don't know"


You can see she wants to

 

Oddy, you are clearly oblivious to the fact that Trident is up for renewal and there is a bill before Parliament. As it is, Labour have miraculously decided today not to debate this because they know Mr Unilateral Nuclear Disarmament would lose it.