Conundrum

No its not another Dutch midfield player we are after but a a problem I have that I need your help with. My company has 2 season tickets to Man Utd which we use for clients and potential clients as a promotional tool. They are normally in great demand and some of them fly over specially to watch while others give them to their UK based colleagues/relatives.
There is an upcoming fixture though that is causing us serious problems - we cannot get anyone to take the tickets for the game on 26th September at home to Sunderland. In fact some clients have said they will no longer give us any work if we make them watch this game.
The company decided that it was best to withdraw them from the list we circulate to clients and instead use them internally so they ran a ballot for employees which I unfortunately won. I tried to claim I couldn't afford the flight but they knew I was due back in the UK then on home leave. I have managed to get round having to use them by booking a cruise in the Mediterranean (I worked out I could actually make some money on it if I can stowaway a couple of extra passengers when we dock in Turkey). Now I have to come up with a plan to use these tickets.
The following come to mind:
1) award them to whoever is bottom of the Prediction League Premier Division at the time as a punishment
2) make Panthro use them if he posts "Where's my entry" in any headline game ever again
3) donate them to two deserving Syrian refugees - mainly to piss off Billy Cattermole
4) give them to one of the Liverpool supporters in the Prediction League - Gerrez or In Biscan we Trust
5) give them to JPF - I understand he is a closet Mackem
Anybody got any better suggestions?

 

Offer to foist them onto Fredor if he ever mentions any more pre 1920's football matches to back up his arguments?

 

Force TurkeyToon to take them unless he provides hard evidence of his 'dance with the devil'?

 

Make Obiwan take them if he ever says:

#dude
#rad
#bodacious

again.

 

You could ride round Pennywell dragging the tickets behind you in a pied piper type way to draw out the vagabonds which in itself would be classed as a community service.

 

Firstly, point 3 is an outrage and would put you up there with that Hungarian camerawoman. Imagine you escape war torn Syria, cross deserts, seas, Hungary and - worst of all - France, only to get to England and be forced to watch Sunderland. They'd probably swim back to Syria again, you're just exacerbating a problem.

This is clearly a punitive measure, so I would give one to that camerawoman and a second to the Turkish PM. They both need to understand suffering.

 

So basically who deserves a pain like no other - watching Sunderland. I have considered this carefully.

1. JPF is an obvious starting point. He is a gay (not that gays need punishing but Manchester has a vibrant gay scene according to Obi), and he is a closet Sunderland fan. However his somewhat warped views, have aligned with my own of late in thinking that we are still ****e. Therefore I feel he has earnt a stay of execution by becoming enlightened like me and Mr T.
2. Then there is Obi. All said and done the lad is on a mission to become the fattest man on the planet. With that goal in mind, I think an afternoon watching Sunderland will certainly help him towards his goal. He will be driven into a feeding frenzy to try and get over the assault on his eyes. However due to health concerns and the fact he is well on course anyway, does he really need it? Probably not.
3. Next is ACS. I mean the lad has spent time on the terraces of Roker, he's red and white through and through. He'd love to see them surely. However I'm not convinced Manchester, however cosmopolitan, is ready for the mans "fashion" sense, can they really deal with his chinos? Nah.

This leads me to my selection. I think Darren Peacocks Ponytail deserves them. His misplaced love of Haidara is the reason. He can go watch what a proper left back looks like in Luke Shaw. Considering he recently suggested Haidara may eventually surpass him in ability and usefulness, I feel this could be a really educational visit for DPP. And he deserves a lot of pain for championing such a worthless cause as Massimo Haidara.

 

You could use them, at least then you might not have to suffer watching another Sunderland victory

Don't give them to Syrian refugees no matter what you do, you've offered two spaces, chances are 200 of them will come to collect the tickets.

 

Can we ban TJ now, he's outstayed his use

 

Or so you might think...

The panel have assessed all possible options and...

In true fashion...

just like every other award...



the winner is...


<FANFARE>


This is so unexpected...



<TOP CAT MUSIC>






...SEBB!



Congrats Sebb thoroughly deserved.

 

I may be suspended from the Guild at the moment, temporarily of course on a misunderstanding and expecting to be vindicated once all the true facts come out, but I have to say that I am eternally gratef...



Man U v 5under1and...



Sorry, can't accept the award because...



I'll be away...yes, that's it, I'll be away.



But thanks for the thought.

 

I was actually considering this before I booked my holiday. I could see a few goals, have a good laugh, leave just after most of the Sunderland fans normally do (30minutes) to avoid the crush and still just about make the Newcastle-Chelsea 530pm kick-off at St James Park.

 

Give the tickets to Panthro. Watching Sunderland might make him appreciate NUFC more.

 

Offer to force Billy Clattermole to sit in a room of 12 immigrant gay black body builders for 24 hours with a crate of vodka.

 

any update fella?

 

They are still going spare. Was considering giving one each to you and Smug or one each to Sammy and Billy in the interest of promoting world peace. However have to warn you seats or not wide so you may have a large forearm in your lap.
Any Sunderland fans who would like these and promise not to cause problems that get my company barred is welcome to them.