Looks like I am on my own with the jokes...... ah well, here are some more laughs....... Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!". "I've been circumcised.", the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
I would find and post some jokes but my computer is so slow today that if I open another tab, it will freeze!
Found this online, probably have seen it before...... A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: “Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!” “Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, The Liverpool fan replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. “The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asks. “Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back.”
This is an oldie but a goodie A young lad is late for school and he arrives at his class and the teacher asks him ''Where were you'' and the young lad says ''up on Blueberry Hill''.Five minutes later another young lad walks into the class room and the teacher says ''You're late where were you'' and the young lad replies ''Up on Blueberry Hill''. Five minutes later a third young lad walks in and the teacher says ''You're late where were you'' and the young lad says ''Up on Blueberr Hill.Five minutes later a girl walks in and teacher fed up at this stage says ''Don't tell me,you were up on blueberry hill too'' and the girl replies ''No I am Blueberry Hill''.
Bluff. I saw it before but its hilarious every time you read it. A Liverpool fan is in Rome and he wants to see the Pope,and he stands along a street whilst the Pope drives past in the Pope-Mobile.The Pope ignores him and instead stops to talk to a Man United fan.The young lad is upset,so the next day he decides to put on a Man United shirt.However the Pope again drives past in the Pope-Mobile but this time stops at the young lad and says ''I thought I told you to **** off yesterday''.
A farmer's cow won't give milk so he goes to the vet. The vet gives him a pill to stick up the cow's backside. "How do I get it up there?" asks the farmer. The vet gives him a tube and tells him to put the pill in, insert the tube up the cow's backside and blow. Later the farmer is blowing up the tube for ages to no avail. He calls the vet. The vet arrives, removes the tube, turns it around, inserts it into the cow again, puts the pill in and blows. Job done. "Great," says the farmer, "But why did you turn the tube around?" The vet says, "I'm not touching the end that's been in your dirty mouth."
An Englishman,a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a building site and the foreman tells them that he will give them an extra £50 if they save him from any accidents,so they decide to create some accidents in order to claim the money.The Scotsman drops a hammer and shouts look out boss,the boss moves out of the way and the Scotsman gets his £50.The Englishman drops a shovel and shouts look out boss,and the boss moves out of the way and he gets his £50.The Irishman who has a stammer drops a wheelbarrow and shouts BBB Boss...**** him,he's dead.
During Liverpool's pre season tour, Gerrard, Carragher and Lucas decide to take a cruise. Unfortunately the ship is wrecked and the three of them wash up on a desert island. Fortunately Gerrard sees a dusty glass bottle on the beach and rubs it clean, causing a genie to pop out. The genie says they have three wishes, but as there are three of them they can have one each. Lucas says "I wish you would transport me back to Liverpool so I can get off this damn island" Carragher says "I also want to be sent back to Liverpool" The genie now turns to Gerrard and says "What is your wish?" Gerrard thinks for a minute then says "I'm feeling very lonely now those two guys have gone, could you please bring them back for me?"
My PC was always bigger and faster than my bird's Mac. She lost everything on her HD to a virus she thought didn't exist in Macs. Ho hum.
That is definitely a thumbs down.Its a re-make of a blonde joke. Here's one. Bill Clinton,Alex Ferguson the Pope,Wayne Rooney and 14 year old boy and a pilot are in a plane.Alex Ferguson and Bill Clinton start fighting so the pilot says **** this and takes a parachute and jumps out and the plane is about to crash.Theres only 4 parachutes left.So they decide to let the pope decide who gets the parachutes.The Pope says Bill Clinton was good to the USA as president so we'll let him have a parachute so he jumps out.The Pope says Alex Ferguson has been a great manager so we'll let him have one,and the Pope decides to let Wayne Rooney have one because he scored goals.Now the young lad gets upset and says ''What about me I'm only 14 I don't deserve to die''.The Pope says ''Its okay son,its okay,that stupid fat bastard took your school-bag''.
Here's one you'll like this. Bill Clinton and Mother Teresa die and both meet St Peter at the pearly gates,and St Peter gets mixed up and sends Mother Teresa to hell and Bill Clinton to heaven.Well after an hour St Peter realises he has made a mistake and goes to see God and says ''Father I think I made a mistake,I sent Bill Clinton to heaven and Mother Teresa to hell''.God says ''Leave it to me,I'll sort it''.Anyway Mother Teresa when she arrives back from hell says ''What happened there,I only wanted to meet the blessed virgin''.St Peter says ''I think you are an hour too late''.
