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Off Topic The last poster wins thread NSFW

Discussion in 'Sunderland' started by Steven Royston O'Neill, May 2, 2012.

  1. MrRAWhite

    MrRAWhite Well-Known Member

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    #4201
  2. its been fun thanks :)

    its been fun thanks :) ♬♬Badum-tish! ♬♬
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    meanwhile back to reality ...

     
    #4202
  3. its been fun thanks :)

    its been fun thanks :) ♬♬Badum-tish! ♬♬
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  4. MrRAWhite

    MrRAWhite Well-Known Member

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    You can't beat the wind section of the orchestra ..
     
    #4204
  5. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Date: Sat, May 30, 2015 at 5:54 PM Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.

    THE REACTION
    Bob, feeling enraged and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to contemplate his next move. He took out his phone to make the call to the police and saw he had another message:-
    THE SECOND TEXT

    Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.
     
    #4205
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  6. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING?

    ONE:
    Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

    'You don't?' I replied.

    'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

    'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

    'That's right.'

    So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

    (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

    (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)


    TWO:
    I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

    Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

    I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

    She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

    She had no clue to what had just happened.

    (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)


    THREE:
    A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.

    When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.

    (Keep shuddering!!)


    FOUR:

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

    'Do you need some help?' I asked.

    She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

    Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

    'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
    handing it and the car keys to me.

    As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!


    FIVE:
    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

    Brunette, by the way!!


    SIX:
    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

    The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

    Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
     
    #4206
  7. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
    Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia.”
    "I see," the captain says.

    Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the captain.

    "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
     
    #4207
  8. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .

    A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications,

    they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

    When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

    The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview,
    but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

    Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct.
    This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

    Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

    Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

    Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,
    'I don't know.’

    You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "
     
    #4208
  9. joeisonfire

    joeisonfire Well-Known Member

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  10. MrRAWhite

    MrRAWhite Well-Known Member

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    That is just brilliant..What a tit he must have felt..
     
    #4210

  11. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #4211
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  12. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    #4212
  13. Billy Death

    Billy Death Well-Known Member

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    My mates dad had a cat named Blackie.
    Nee bother until some immigrants moved in along the road.
    Not long after that he had the police at his house.
     
    #4213
  14. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    Utter ****ing madness mate...

    The dogs name was part of history ffs, do these ****ers now want to blank part of our history, may as well forget what those men went on to do.

    Ffs..Wing CommanderGuy Gibson, V.C., D.S.O., D.F.C. of the Royal Air Force, , had a dog called Ni**er, so what, why try changing history. the world wasn't pc then.

    I still regulary watch, in sickness and in health, he ****ing cracks me up, loads of words in there for the daft ****s to complain about....but it's still ****ing funny..
     
    #4214
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  15. Billy Death

    Billy Death Well-Known Member

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    Yes I quite agree. <ok>
     
    #4215
  16. Thewall

    Thewall Active Member

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    My father in law was in a junior swimming team called the Bradford Nig-Nogs.
    A Nig-Nog was somebody who was a bit crazy seventy years ago..........but not now.
     
    #4216
    salad fingers likes this.
  17. its been fun thanks :)

    its been fun thanks :) ♬♬Badum-tish! ♬♬
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  18. its been fun thanks :)

    its been fun thanks :) ♬♬Badum-tish! ♬♬
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  19. MrRAWhite

    MrRAWhite Well-Known Member

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  20. Commachio

    Commachio Rambo 2021

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    THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

    'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

    The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

    'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

    'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

    'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

    'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
     
    #4220

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