The barnsley joke page

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool!"
His wife asks him "What are you watching?"
Husband replies "Our wedding video".

 

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me!"
"Just wonderful" says his mum "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry". "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Liverpool shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing ManU shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Liverpool fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore… It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.
Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony, which could serve as a model for other nations".
He blessed them all and drove off.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That" one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well" the harpoonist replied "he knows absolutely f*ck all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
The passenger asks "Who?"
The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano."
The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"
The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his f***ing widow..."

 

What’s the difference between a car tyre and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear............. The other’s a great year.

 

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says "Yes, of course I do". "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice".
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do".
"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you" replies the Texan. "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls".
The Texan exclaims "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

 

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion.
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

 

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat".

 

A teacher asks her class...." Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?"
Little Paddy raises his hand..."yes miss, it's Trudy Glen"...
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion"
"But miss, what about the song?" Robin Hood, Robin Hood,riding Trudy Glen!"