The barnsley joke page

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

 

The thought of it

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A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and begun reading a book.Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him."How are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded and turned back to his book."I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered."Do you live around here?" She asked.Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered and again he resumed reading.Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

good point

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokers and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket, she replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

I blame the husband for buying crap paint

 

This is a gem!

A friend went to Beijing recently and the hotel gave her a brochure with the following wording. It is precious. She is keeping it and
reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in
passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the
entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available
in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note
that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle
with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of
outstanding obscenity! . You WI ll not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage
of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

 

Stormy Night



Bob Hill and his newwife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania .They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out
of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clearthe fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes.
A small, ! hunched man opens the door.

Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but wedon't have a phone.
My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I ! am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.
I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely...

Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bobcollapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried."Things are serious, Igor.&! nbsp;Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail..
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his gr! and piano, for it is here that he has always found solace.

He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!Heis further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!...... The Hills are alive with the sound ofmusic!"


(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really
should've seen that onecoming!!)

 

He was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Bob?" asked the bartender... “It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."
"It's my five year old son..." the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school?
My lad's just the same - it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.
" I only wish it was that," continued the customer, " but it's far worse than that.
The little devil has got our gorgeous 22 year old next door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"It's not," said the man.
"The little b*st*rd stuck a pin in all my condoms

 

So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate.

"Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

 

THE RAISE
Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?


Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.Boss:
Yes..


Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.


Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales. But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?


Employee:
Oh,the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!