The barnsley joke page

when is he back

 

Never I'll wager

 

super sicknote

 

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, She started talking to him....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I Bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers In the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised Me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while Tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the
insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well here it comes."

 

whats funny

 

The Man Utd players were filming her

 

do chemists in Barnsley sell ice cream then ?

 

sure you wasn't asking her what she wanted for valentines day

 

my other half doesn't drink alcohol so she gets a soft one every night

 

I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, "How to spot a lady-boy".
He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere".
I said "That's the one".

 

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.. They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in.. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

valentines day is a joke

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

Like my hair

 

anyone seen that film

 

Sequel to shampoo