An Englishman says to his friend, a Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.Then I tell them that I already paid their colleague who has left." The Scotsman is impressed, and says, "let's try it together this evening." So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.The Englishman just says, "I've already paid your colleague who has left." And the Scotsman adds, "Aye, and we’re still waiting fur the change!"
A FATHER'S QUESTION - One day a father leaves work, and on his way home, he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store, goes in and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work-out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95. The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $269.95, and the others only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir....., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and....One of Ken's Friends.
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells....
Who on earth dreams up these stories? Do they start from Nobel and Pulitizer Prize and work backwards?....
QPR's position in the EPL. It tells a story. The mental picture is there, not pretty, but there. Time we all had a jolly good laugh then, I s'pose?
I asked Diego Costa to go to the post office for me. All I got was a stamp. Luis Suárez went fishing. He did not get a bite.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Viagra. Slip the tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, Jaysus , Mary and Joseph, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a strange twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?' Welshman: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Englishman.' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' Welshman: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' Welshman: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool' Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) Horse: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.' Welshman: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' Welshman: (in a panic) ''The sheep's a bloody liar whatever he tells you”......
The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop' em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!". The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?" "Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....." "No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?" "Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!" The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day. "What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!" "Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous....... Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated. LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR, 'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...' Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE... "I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?" "LAWRENCE froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'A pumpkin? **** - is it midnight already?" The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth. The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'
Network Rail are lying bastards!!! They say that if you stand too close to the platform edge you will get sucked off! Eight hours! Eight f****** hours I wasted yesterday!
I was at the supermarket and ready to pay for my groceries, the young lady on the check-out said, “Right, that will be £26.12”. “Are you paying by card?”. Yes I said “Then strip down, facing me." I was fuming, and decided that I would complain to my local MP about this excessive security rubbish when I got home. Bloody ridiculous!! I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that in fact she was referring to how I should position my banking card in the doodah and not……. well you know, - what I actually did. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors like me!! I hate this getting older stuff.
These are 35 genuine insurance claim statements, I've seen a few before but honestly, they are so funny! http://viralship.com/funniest-auto-insurance-claims-funny-true/7/
