A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.." And he points to a ladder that Rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please, God." God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"
North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours. They call it a cyber-attack. In the west it's better known as Windows Update.
A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am sosorry James I've been riddledwith guilt and I have to confess.. Ihave been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.The man, outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife . A few moments later, a second text came in: Bloody autospell! It should read "wifi, not "wife" . . . . ..
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?''Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.''Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?''I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.''Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?' 'Four months holiday and five good leads...'
A couple take their son to the circus. After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's penis". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman..."
Today the Queen will give the the creator of the Viagra tablet a knighthood, a wink and a massive pat on the back....
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!'
As the head started to emerge out of my wife's vagina, I said, "That is beautiful." "Not really," exclaimed the doctor, "How did she get an action man stuck in her vagina ?"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink,he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants. "It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch. I said, "Where the f**k am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"
Spanish orders. A man stopped at a restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid . While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The man said, 'I will have the same please.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor...... Sometimes the bull wins."
