The barnsley joke page

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again...

 

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.



'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm.. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your old man still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'



The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.

 

A Scot, walking through a field, sees a man using his hand as a scoop to drink water from a pond.

The Scot calls out to the man, "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sïlan de chacbo."



(Translation: Don't drink that water. It's full of cowshit!)



The man shouts back, "I'm English! Can't you speak English! Are you completely ignorant, you arsehole?!"

The Scot calls back, "Use both hands. You'll get more."

 

The CEO of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,

"Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance and for this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news.....

The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We've lost the Hovis Account."

 

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

 

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up
his barbeque on the shore of Nord Lake and
cook a venison steak.

All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from
eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison
steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and
was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested
that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Ole
attended Mass.... and as the priest sprinkled
holy water over him, he said, "You were born
a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you
are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday
night arrived and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the
neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy
water which he carefully sprinkled over the
grilling meat and chanted:
"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer,
but now you is a rainbow trout

 

Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

 

When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
I hate this getting older stuff.

 

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', And this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'
'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming!'

 

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

 

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.." And he points
to a ladder that Rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs
the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher..
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from
all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, God."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"

 

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am sosorry James I've been riddledwith guilt and I have to confess..
Ihave been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.The man, outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife .

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autospell! It should read "wifi, not "wife" . . . . ..

 

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?''Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.''Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?''I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.''Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?' 'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

 

If you ever find yourself surrounded by dicks, don't be an asshole.

 

A couple take their son to the circus. After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's penis". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman..."

 

My wife is an identical twin and I'm often asked how I tell them apart.

It's easy.

I just look for the bitter one who resists my sexual advances.

 

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

 

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.