Edward Muttings of Cherry Court, Great Dunmow, has agreed to have his row of conifers pruned, thus allowing unhindered access to the footpath. After four years of public disapproval, Mr Muttings admitted that his unruly foliage had caused 'more than a little aggravation'. Marjorie Clayforth of Medway Grove, Fenstanton, will be selling jars of her much-vaunted marmalade at this Saturday's village bazaar. Coming out of retirement after more than eight months, Mrs Clayforth claims her apprehension is down to the lack of decent oranges arriving from Spain. Major Sidney Bean of Bridgemere Mews, Friston, is willing to give the new storekeeper a second chance. After failing to stock Major Bean's favourite brand of rice pudding, Ranjit Patel was unlikely to see any repeat custom from the former army man, but a truce has been called after both sides agreed to 'come to an amicable conclusion on how the matter can be resolved'. Frances Almond of The Glebe, Mistley Common, is still undecided as to whether she will send her sister, Geraldine, a Christmas card this year. The two sisters have been estranged since failing to agree on the names of the new village ducks in August. Melvin Wickers-Dove of Rye Row, Polegate, has cancelled his weekly milk order, complaining that the milkman does not arrive until the 'ungodly hour of 6.10am'. Human excrement was found inside the north transept of St. Calvin's, Burwash, on Saturday. Tibbles the cat has been returned to its owner in Parsley Cleft, Elmswell.
No wonder Supermarket home delivery is so popular in rural areas with the local tradesman getting it so wrong.
No mention of the Betamax octopus porn videos found outside the Vicarage again I see. Will no one ever get round to claiming them ? If not, straight into the raffle at the County Fair I say.
Reminded me of the dippy lad (Modern Parlance service user,think Ricky Gervais' Derek) Who lived in the village where I had my business. Someone gave him porn videos and,worried about his dad finding them the lad went round the village leaving them on window sills. One old girl,a stalwart of the local church, found one and popped it in the player. Exit husband Eric pursued by Mable armed with a rolled up copy of the Church Times.
Ms Martha Burrows of Clement Cottage, Pevensey, has had her poem The Crow and the Steeple published in this month's edition of People's Friend. Dr Derek Hives of Railway Terrace, Fobbing, has been absent from surgery due to flu-type symptoms. Speaking from his retreat in Corsica, Dr Hives asserts he will return by mid-December. Terry Archer of Denbigh Grove, Shingay-cum-Wendy, admits it was he who failed to 'clear up the doo-doo', after his dog fouled the verge outside the community hall. Donations for this Saturday's tombola at St Gavin's are very much welcomed. All proceeds will go towards a new bench for the pond path in Jevington.
Meanwhile at Bell End Green the local bobby, Constable Dixon, has detained two Dusky Brethren on suspicion of The Possession and Supply of Ebola. They are currently being held in isolation in the disabled bathroom of The Queer Pheasant Hotel until such times as Woodcox The Butchers van is free to transport them beyond the parish boundary.
I'd like to place an ad in next month's edition for a Coffee Morning I'm organising to raise funds to fix the much-loved town hall clock. As your readers are no doubt aware, it's been stuck at twenty past 7 since 1993. Date: Sat, 19th Jan 10:00-12:00 Location: Wobbly Bottom Scout Hall Tickets: Adults £3.50; Concessions (OAPs & under-16s) £2.50
BADMINTON: Players are wanted to play badminton in Quaker Hall, Crannagh Road in Rathfarnham on Monday evenings from 8 – 10pm. New members are welcome. Phone Margaret on 086-1241736. Contact: Margaret Telephone: 086-1241736.
You have Quakers in Direland? I thought everyone was a Priest worshipping catholic and all signs of religious tolerance was wiped out when the cowardly IRA rioted against the Empire when we were out fighting the Hun and it's Catholic Axis.
This thread is going really well, so thank you for all the contributions. I shall try to get along to all events organised and will of course make donations to all worthy causes. Keep it up, folks.
MEN’S SHED: Would you like to be part of a group again? Are you looking for something to do? Would you like to share interests and find common interests with other local men? Members are being sought for a Men’s Shed that is being set up in the Clonshaugh/ Moatview/Priorswood area. All men are welcome to attend. For more information contact Ciaran on 086-8150799 or Maureen on 01-8486458. Contact: Ciaran Telephone: 086-8150799
Rowan Moffatt has kindly agreed to act as special guest for Sunday's annual Mince Pie Evening at the Claypole Arms, Gamlingay. Mr Moffatt, co-writer of Tucker's Luck, will judge the pies and award prizes accordingly. Mrs Beverley Hindermarch of Saxon Mews, Cold Norton, has admitted to looking at local children with undisguised hatred. Douglas Loft of The Folly, Much Hadham, will not be entertaining carol singers at his door this year, after complaining that last year's offering was a 'rabble of untalented twits'. The Garboldisham Players' production of One Night In Bethlehem is in jeopardy after leading man, Rodney Sacks, fell ill with an undiagnosed gastric complaint. Speaking from his holiday home in Barbados, Mr Sacks said, 'The show will have to go on without me, I'm afraid. The doctor says I must remain in warmer climates until at least April.' It is believed Mr Sacks' understudy, Rudolf Hemmingway, will have to stand in as Joseph.
I had a mate from Old Buckenham high school who lived in Garboldisham pronounced Garbleshum his parents owned the local chip wagon .. Small World.
Mr Neil Hancy from Winfarthing rd Banham is holding a winner stays on pool tournament in the Fighting Cock public house in Shelfanger. Any interested parties should attent Friday week between 8pm and 11pm. Names should be put on the blackboard on a first come first served basis and may only use the pub's own cue. Mr Hancy has his own that he brings with him but nobody else can use it. The prize for 1st place is a ham 2nd a selection of chutneys and 3rd scampi & chips for two at Banham cider house. <these are all real names and places>.
The Residents' Association is delighted to announce that the annual trip to St leonards will take place on Tuesday 17 May. Coach travel and a packed lunch are included in the price which is £8-50. The Coach wiill depart from St Bartholemew's Church at 7.30 AM returning at 9-30 PM. For further details please call Marjorie on 01367 825210 or Cecil on 01367 910365
Reece Callow of Mogg Hall, Hailsham, is looking to sell his collection of porcelain cats. All proceeds will go towards a new kettle for the church hall's kitchen. Said ornaments will be on sale at this Sunday's winter fete. Ms Edith Swallow of Culverhouse Row, Danbury, has decided to have an artificial Christmas tree this year. An empty Waitrose carrier-bag seen flying about the hamlet of North Flindon has been caught and disposed of.
