Employers, Avoid hiring unlucky people by throwing half the CVs in the bin. Never lose anything again! Just get a long loop of string and loop it through a small hole in everything you own. If you ever mislay anything, just start anywhere along the string and work round until you find it. SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. Earn big money by displaying a âHow's My Driving?â sign on your car, along with an 0906 number ( £1.50 per minute) which you can aquire through BT. Then simply drive around town like a complete arsehole. Pretend you're walking in the snow indoors by gluing cornflakes to the undersides of your socks/slippers. Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house. Save money on door bell batteries by going to the front door every two mins to see if there is anyone there. F1 fans - recreate the excitement of your favourite sport by threading coloured beads onto a string, pulling it taut and lowering one end. For added authenticity, single beads can be used for practice, qualifying etc. Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. Fellas: Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. SUPERMARKETS. Sell your undersized vegetables for twice the price by not cleaning the **** off them and calling them 'organic DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. If your name is Toblerone, use an empty Toblerone carton as a nameplate for your desk.
Homeless people...... Lighten your load by not buying a dog Place a sawn off piece of exhaust pipe in your mouth in an attempt to fool your Dad you've swallowed his car Contact lens wearers...save money by simply cutting small circles in cling film, hey presto instant contact lenses
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off. Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - (submitted by Mr. KVL 741Y) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes. McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone. PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife. FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended. FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
taxi drivers and bmw drivers - there are orange flashing lights at each corner of you car. these are worked by one of the things sticking out from behind your steering wheek. if you tweak the relevant stick before turning a corner or changing lane or direction you will find fewer other drivers showing you two of their fingers and hating you so much.
AMERICAN locomotive drivers. When confronted with a car obstructing a rail crossing, the brake pedal is the one that slows the train down, not the one that sounds the ****ing horn. Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastard. BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
PEOPLE BATTING ABOVE YOUR AVERAGE: Convince your partner not to dump you by going to bed after them and putting nicotine patches all over their back. Ensure you remove them before they wake up, and should they dump you, they will mistake the nicotine withdrawal for a desire to be with you, and come running back.
