The barnsley joke page

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,"
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players
there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,

can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself,
"She's going through the change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said "You're obviously not listening."

 

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

 

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter',who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives," smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii.
"You seem pretty sure of yourself," I replied.
"I am," she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

 

Riddle for seniors....











Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
Overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?








​(see below)​




































Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round and go home!

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

THE LEGAL SYSTEM!!





A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.



The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.



The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.



After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:



"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"





DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!

 

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

So FIFA have found no evidence of corruption in awarding the World Cup to Qatar.

In other news all the ****philes rounded up in operation Yewtree have been released from prison after an investigation headed by Rolf Harris found there was no case to answer.