Did you make it TT? Clarkson on Top a Gear drove a S-type jag twice for, I think 13 and 20 miles after the readout said he was empty.
Two Va. hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress. One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no. Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no. The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman was so shocked that she had a violent sp asm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth.As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table. His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
a couple of funnies on Facebook today https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=739323886133568&set=vb.100001678906964&type=2&theater https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=564732510338952&set=vb.338233632988842&type=2&theater
nearly killed me this https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=470189059759813&set=vb.100003061692474&type=2&theater
Mr.Singh walks into a bank in Central London and asks for the Loan officer. He says he's going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr.Singh hands over the keys to his Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at Mr.Singh for using a £300,000 Rolls as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr.Singh returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41 The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you're a multimillionair*e. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?" Mr.Singh replies, "Where else in Central London can I park my Rolls Royce for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
They're not happy in Gaza .. They're not happy in Egypt .. They're not happy in Libya .. They're not happy in Morocco .. They're not happy in Iran .. They're not happy in Iraq .. They're not happy in Yemen ... They're not happy in Afghanistan ... They're not happy in Pakistan .. They're not happy in Syria .. They're not happy in Lebanon ... SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia .. They're happy in Canada .. They're happy in England .. They're happy in France .. They're happy in Italy .. They're happy in Germany .. They're happy in Sweden .. They're happy in the USA .. They're happy in Norway .. They're happy in Holland .. They're happy in Denmark .. Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN ! AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering... How frigging dumb can you get? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother-in-law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkeys - You cook over burning camel **** - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey - Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"??? Well No **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse!
> > Vicar's > > Salary > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > At Sunday > > church the local Vicar explains that he must move on > > to a larger > > congregation that will pay him more. > > > > There is a hush within the > > congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is > > so > > popular. > > > > Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in > > Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: > > 'If the Vicar > > stays, I will provide him with a new Chrysler > > 300 C SRT8 every year > > and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their > > children!' > > > > The congregation sighs in appreciation and > > applauds. > > > > Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands > > and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, > > I'll personally double > > his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee > > private secondary > > school education of his children!' > > > > More sighs and loud > > applause. > > > > Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, > > 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him > > sex.' > > > > There is total > > silence. > > > > The Preacher, blushing, asks her: > > 'Mrs. Jones, > > you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever > > possessed you to say > > that?' > > > > Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, > > > > holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and > > shaking his head from > > side to side, while his wife replies: > > > > > > > > > > > > 'Well, I > > just asked my husband how we could > > help, > > and he > > said, > > > > '**** > > him'.
A tribute to our under paid teachers ! ! ! A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says.. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says:- " I'm the goal keeper "
If Scotland gains its independence in the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" ......or FUK. In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, the Government has now begun to campaign with the slogan "Vote NO, for FUK's sake" They feel the Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.
An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand, which he'd injured on a hay baler. The doctor carrying out the suturing procedure struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, most politicians are ''Post Tortoises".' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Tortoise' was? The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise..' The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.' ..........Best explanation I've heard yet !!!!!
