A HILARIOUS book of spoof letters sent by a fictional football fan to a host of clubs is being released to raise funds for charity. Footie clubs around the UK, including Celtic, Rangers, Dundee, Dumbarton, Hearts, Chelsea, Everton and West Ham United, have been pranked by Fraser Syme, a member of the writing team on hit TV sketch show Chewin’ the Fat. For years, he wrote hysterically funny yet straitlaced letters under the oddball pseudonym Struan J Marjoribanks. He even entered into correspondence with many clubs who fell for the prank. Struan’s first letter in 2008 was to Celtic, offering to take lads on work experience to “help keep their feet on the ground”.The letter read: “I am a businessman and soup is my business. I propose we introduce a work experience programme at my factory for the Celtic youngsters. Such an initiative will teach them not only the value of money but will also highlight to them where they could end up if they don’t work sufficiently at their game.”Celtic replied, saying the idea “was of some worth” and they would pass Struan’s letter to the club’s head of education and welfare before eventually declining the request. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Rangers didn’t reply to the offer of a motivational mix tape a couple of years later, so the letter to them failed to make the final edit. Fraser, from Kilmacolm, Renfrewshire, said: “I wrote to Rangers saying their away form was utterly woeful and would they be happy for me to supply a CD or tape, depending on the age of their team bus, with inspirational music on it, which might gee the players up on away days. “They didn’t respond. I think they had enough going on at the time.” One of the book’s standout sections contains a series of correspondence from teams in the east of Scotland. Struan’s letter to Hearts outlined an anecdote told by his fictional Auntie Jessie about a Hearts goalkeeper in the 1930s who emerged from the tunnel to start the second half eating a bag of chips. Hearts initially replied stating they were unable to confirm, but that the story “had a ring of truth”. Nine letters were shared before Struan received a photograph of 1930s Jambo goalie Willie Waugh – described by the club as being “considered a bit of a rebel” – and his player statistics. Fraser said: “They kept responding to me and I loved the letters. It went from nothing to someone putting flesh and bones on this guy. “I kind of felt bad because I imagined this sweet wee man, wearing a Hearts tie, going to a lot of bother. When I was writing the letters, I was aware there was a line you couldn’t cross and I made sure not to. A letter to Dundee asking if it might be possible for Struan’s dear old Auntie Jessie to have her late beloved budgie Arthur’s ashes scattered on the pitch at Dens Park was taken in good heart by club officials, who even asked for a photo of Jessie that they could hang in the dressing room. “With regard to scattering Arthur’s ashes at Dens, we would be delighted to,” they replied. “We’ve involved our club chaplain in the matter to ensure the ‘circle of life’ is closed for Arthur. I am concerned that sending Arthur’s ashes in the post is not the most reliable or respectful thing to do. As I live near you, I can collect.” Dumbarton FC officials also ran with the joke when Struan wrote outlining how he lost a shoe – “a size 10 black brogue for the left foot” – during the celebration of a last-gasp winner for Stenhousemuir and asking if it had been handed in. “It is getting embarrassing going to the factory wearing one black brogue and one moccasin-style slipper,” wrote the fictional fan. Dumbarton replied with a matter-of-fact apology, before an anonymous letter arrived suggesting a clandestine meeting at Larbert Bowling Club. The ransom note stated: “All you have to do is say, ‘Hello, boys, I really hope your team wins today,’ and your shoe will be returned. Any deviation will result in you never seeing your shoe again.”
I once applied for the hereford united managers job and got mentioned on gary davis show on radio one lol
An old schoolfriend,then a coach driver ferrying kids to swimming and old girls to shiftwork at the local Birdseye factory,applied in all seriousness for the job of managing Rochdale FC.This was in the early 70's.He got a polite reply declining his offer and was,I recall,a bit put out at not getting an interview.He had absolutely no interest in football whatsoever and his only connection with sport of any type was that his dad owned the local seafront putting green. He remained a coach driver until his dieing day in 2012.
