Funnies

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor.....

She only had £1.20 in her purse.


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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker........

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed....

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


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A wife says to her husband 'you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back'...

He says 'what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.'


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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ........

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess Jo happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues,
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into Princess Jo's lap and said,

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince
that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as Princess Jo dined sumptuously on lightly sautée'd frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself,


'I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!'

 

No Sex Tonight.


I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. I also never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion had just started to heat up when she suddenly said "I don't feel like it tonight, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "Look, you're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I rolled over and went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She also wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she even picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was SO excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she even asked for a tennis
bracelet when I know that she doesn't even know how to play tennis(!!) But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement! Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey. I don't feel like it!"

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT!?"

I then said "Honey... I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to actually kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things that I buy you?"


Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either.

 

Although funny, sadly this is a true story....

Mastercard, Absolutely Priceless ......

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE .......

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, is now somewhere around £60.00. A family member rang MBNA:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply..'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone

Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA:'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'No problem..' (fax number is given )

After they get the fax:
MBNA:'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member:‘Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:'That would help.'

Family Member: 'Plot 1049. Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne'

MBNA:'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

 

50 Shades in reverse

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward,
Then backwards again...... Back and forth... Back and forth..... In and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her
Back. She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed..... Then she moaned, softly at first, then began
To groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I CAN'T park the bloody car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

 

Never Force Children To Pray …














At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replies.
Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father.

"Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.

 

Twin siblings, a boy and a girl aged three were being bathed by Mother. Mother leaves the bathroom temporarily. Girl looks at boy, points between his legs and laughs. Boy looks between sister's legs and retorts, "I'm better than you 'cause you 'aint got one, so there!"

Girl looks between her legs and says, "but with one of these I can always get one of those."

 

Signs your getting on a bit:

Your back hurts. You eat food past it's sell by date. You go to supermarkets in the evening to pick up marked down bargains. You can spell. You hang your clothes on padded hangers. You save the hearing aid flyer that falls out of the colour supplement. You try to get electrical gadgets repaired when they go wrong. You save the free little packets of sugar from cafes. When you watch black and white films you spend the whole time pointing at the screen saying, "he's dead, she's dead." Your car sterio is tuned to radio 2.

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golf, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the I Thought You Loved Me app and run the Tears function. You may like to try the Guilt function also.

If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

Good Luck, Tech Support.

 

In an effort to supplement my income during retirement I applied for a handyman's job with a local builder.
"Have you any carpentry experience?" asked the builder.
"No, never done any at all" I replied.
"How about plumbing then?"
"No, never, I'm frightened of water."
"Are you an electrician?"
"No, working with stuff I can't see bothers me."
"I thought you said you were a handyman?"
"I am, I live just round the corner."