(Supposedly) TRUE answers fron Family Fortunes: An animal you cannot fit into a Mini car: "Mouse.." A food that has one or more holes in it: "Spaghetti.." (Anthony Costa was no doubt thinking of Spaghetti Hoops. The delightful Costa family also produced the 'cotton wool' answer below.) Something made of wool: "Cotton wool.." A bad place to fall asleep: "Concrete.." Something you mount: "A mountain.." A sport which involves throwing something: "Tennis.." A type of bean: "Lesbian.." (This and the one above were the product of Brian Dowling's fertile imagination, on a celebrity edition of the show.) Something you would play with in the bath: "A bazooka.." Someone you wouldn't swear in front of: "Yourself.." Someone or something whose existence has never been proven: "Hitler.." A number you might have to memorise: "Seven.." Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.." A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.." An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.." A slang word for a girl: "Slag.." A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.." Something made of wool: "A sheep.." (Interestingly when this question appeared again in a show aired in November 2009, the 'sheep' answer was second most popular among the public surveyed - perhaps influenced by seeing this daft answer so many times over the years.) Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.." A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.." A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.." A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.." Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.." Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.." A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.." A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.." A measurement of liquid: "Paint.." Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.." A famous Dick: "Carrot.." Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.." Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.." A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.." A yellow fruit: "Orange.." Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.." Something you beat: "An apple.." Something associated with rain: "Water.." A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.." A popular TV soap: "Dove.." Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.." Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.." Something a Frenchman would say: "On Garde.." Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.." Something that has a shell: "Batman.." A non-living object with legs: "A plant.." A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.." A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.." A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.." Something you pull: "A potato.." An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.." A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.." Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.." Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.." An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.." A dangerous race: "The Arabs.." A jacket potato topping: "Jam.." A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.." Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.." A famous royal: "Mail.." Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.." An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.." Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.." A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.." A bird with a long neck : "Naomi Campbell.." (My personal fave) An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.." Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.." Something with a hole in it: "A window.." Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.." Something you put on walls: "Roofs.." A domestic animal: "A leopard.." Something that floats in the bath: "Water.." Something a blind man might use: "A sword.." The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.." Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."
letters to the council the (allegedly real) quotes from letters to islington council's housing department I cannot vouch for the truth of these funny quotes, alleged variously to have been collected by staff at London's Islington Council Housing Department, or instead apparently according to comedian Jasper Carrot, by staff of Bassetlaw district, Nottinghamshire. According to legend the quotes are taken from letters written by council tenants to the housing department, requesting maintenance attention of various sorts. If you see something else in the words, that's entirely down to your own interpretation. Whether these originated in London's fine borough of Islington, Nottinghamshire's Bassetlaw, or anywhere else, or if they are simply the stuff of urban myth, they are extremely funny, and illustrate how the simplest communications can easily become confused. from 'letters to the council' (allegedly)"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." "I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage." "Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence." "I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off." "The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?" "I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall." "Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant." "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." "Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother." "I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers." "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared." "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink." "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces." "Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away." "I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much." "The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous." "Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it." "I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night." "Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife." "I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction." "We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house." "This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
My favourite which is not on your list: L.D.: "We asked a hundred people to name a type of ache" Contestant: "Mc Filet O Fish"
